
Class _T^^^S4_5 

Book ■ H g 1 1 A7 

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COPifRIGHT DEPOSIT. 




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ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



■BY— 



GEO. B. WHITNEY 



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APR 22 I9i3 



©CI.A494(597 



'K C I 



TABLE OF CONTENTS 



Prose 


Alf 


. . 


35 


Poem 


Bachelor's Washing and Ironing Day 61 


Prose and Poetry 


Charity 




15 


Prose 


Common Sense 




68 


Poem 


Death 




19 


Prose and Poetry 


Faith 




13 


Prose and Poetry 


Hypocrisy . . 




16 


Prose and Poetry 


Hope 




14 


Poem 


It Certainly Hurt . 




32 


Poem 


It's Certainly Fine . 




29 


Prose and Poetry 


Justice 




23 


Poetry 


Kite-Flying 




10 


Prose and Poetry 


Life 




21 


Prose and Poetry 


Law . . 




2^ 


Prose and Poetry 


Lawyers 




31 


Prose 


Making More Daylight 


62 


Poem 


My Adieux to Clare County 


24 


Poem 


Out the Way 


74 


Poem 


Ode to an Old Room 


65 


Poem 


Potatoes Aren't Easy to Raise 


70 


Verse 


Roasting Marshmallows 


78 


Poem 


Reflections on a Winter's Thunder- 


storm 52 


Song 


Strike, Sons of Columbia . . 


25 


Song 


Strike, Sons of Columbia . . 


84 


Prose 


Self-preservation 


79 


Song 


Sand 


76 


Poem 


Suffering . . 


20 


Prose 


Sundays 


72 


Poem 


The World is My Oyster . . 


59 


Prose and Poetry 


The Human Mind . . 


9 


Poem 


True Conservation . . 


87 


Prose and Poetry 


Truth 


17 


Song 


The Bells of Life 


IS 


Prose 


Twentieth Century Efficiency 


56 


Poem 


Up~to-Date Wholesaling 


33 


Poem 


What Shall We Plant, and Why . 


53. 


Poem 


What's In a Name? 




85 



PREFACE 

To my critics, I will say, I have decided to 
give this little book to the world, but fully 
realize that it — like its author — is full of 
crudeness and imperfections. That I have no 
idea it will make any kind of a *'dent" in lit- 
erature. 

To my friends — those who really know 
me — you will know, after you have read it, 
why it was written. 

To myself, I say, if these simple ideas of 
mine, put into print, help a single soul to think 
more deeply, and live a simpler, better life, I 
shall be satisfied. 

THE AUTHOR. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



THE HUMAN MIND 

OUR minds are harp-strings played upon by the 
spirit of the Infinite. As we respond to that 
touch, so are we either strengthened for every trial 
before us, lifted above the sordid things of this 
earth, to a closer communion with the player, or are 
depressed and disheartened and finally plunged into 
the very depth of despair. The word of God is the 
written music from which the Infinite draws from 
our minds sweet music, and our own sordid natures 
are the parts that cause the discords in our lives. 
Our minds register all our acts, both good and bad, 
as well as regulating those acts, and, at the end of 
life, that registry, we believe, will administer to us 
its own judgment. 

Our minds are harp-strings, playing music sweet. 
Or discord, as the strings are touched by He, or 
man; 
What will the music be when face to face we meet, 
If we have failed to use His music, and did the 
other scan. 
Our minds are also albums, written through and 
through 
With good and bad, our secret thoughts and pur- 
poses intent; 
Regulating our actions while we're here, choosing 
the false or true. 
So we believe our judgments will from this same 
source be sent. 



10 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



KITE PLYING 

TWO lads were playing in the father's field of one, 
one day, 

At games that only lads invent, and thoroughly en- 
joy; 

€limbing the trees, standing on their heads, and 
tumbling in their play. 

And doing many of the things we did when you and 
I were boys. 

When tired at last, they threw themselves upon the 
grass to rest. 

In the cool shade the leaves and branches of an old 
oak made; 

And looking upward, as they lay, beyond the old 
oak's crest, 

They stories told, until one unto the other said: 

"Let's make a kite, and fly it in the field beyond the 

lane. 
Or else the one up near the house along the road to 

town." 
"All right," said his companion, "I don't think it's 

going to rain 
Before we'll get it finished." And so they made the 

kite to crown 
The day of pleasure they each had had, filled full 

their measure o'er. 
With bits of sticks, and strings, and papers bright, 

with pictures on. 
They made it; with a tail, from Dad's old coat, to 

ballast when it did soar; 
And to the end they tied a bit of red, they called it 

fixre, to gaze upon. 

And when 'twas finished, they were anxious to know 
if it would fly. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 11 

They found a string they thought was long and 

strong enough to let it soar 
To proper height, and to the field along the road they 

carried it, to try 
It out before the eyes of Dad and Mother, and of 

passers, many more. 
Their confidence in their workmanship, you notice, 

was superb. 
"Now if the wind gets right, we'll let her go," said 

one unto the other, 
"But just at present there's no wind at all, or not 

enough to disturb 
A feather. But there she comes ! Let her go ! See, 

Dad! See, Mother!" 

As years rolled 'round, these boys developed into 

men. 
And played the "game of life," and tried it fair to 

play; 
Sometimes the game grew strenuous — to one we 

know — and when 
He tired grew, so tired he felt a rest must take today ; 
Decided all alone to build another kite, and see if it 

would fly ; 
So took some sticks from his own life, some paper 

from some others'. 
Put them together with a paste called "hope," and 

a "string" to let it in the sky. 
With "precepts" for a tail to balance it, from his 

old Dad's and Mother's. 

And so he takes it out — he and his girls (of boys 

he's only one) — 
To see if it will fly, as that one did of old when but 

a boy. 



12 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

He must have help (the boy is self-elected to help 
make the Germans run), 

And so his girls must help to send it out into the 
world with joy. 

And so they take it out ; the sky is fair, the air is al- 
most still. 

We wait impatient ; one thinks it will not fly, another 
thinks it will. 

There, girls, the breeze is coming, and coming, too, 
just right; 

Hold her up ! Let her go ! Again we fly our kite. 

^ If we are not true to the ideals of right — which 
are always the ones first given us — we soon degen- 
erate into weak, worldly mortals and become useless 
as far as our influence for real good in the world is 
concerned. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 13 

FAITH 

FAITH is one of the greatest of our virtues, or bases 
of our purposes. We must have faith to do the 
many little duties of our daily lives. Faith, that in 
the performing of them, the good we expect to be 
accomplished in such performance, will be the re- 
sult of our efforts. The farmer must have faith, that, 
in the tillage of the soil, the sowing of the grain, and 
in the performance of his various duties, he will be 
able to feed and clothe those near and dear to him, 
and do hi& share toward supplying the needs of 
others. And so the merchant, the mechanic, and 
every one of other professions, must have faith in 
the good there is in their calling, so as to bring it 
forth, or else it becomes to him simply a sordid, 
money-making proposition. We must have faith in 
each other, else what would life be worth to us. 
Faith in nature's laws, and the laws of God, so that 
we can regulate and adjust our own lives in acord- 
ance with them, so as to develop our own natures to 
their fullest, and not become a human shuttle-cock 
blown by the breeze of every passing fancy, and 
finally dashed upon life's rocks in complete ship- 
wreck. 



Faith is the first, and a virtue most dear. 

For without it but little of life's tasks would be did. 
We must have it to plant, and do all we do here ; 

In the exercise of it, we bring forth things that are 
hid. 
Faith points the way where daily duties must tread ; 

It strengthens our hearts, our minds, and our wills ; 
Like a searchlight it flashes 'way on and ahead. 

To clear out our pathway beyond this valley of ills. 



14 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

HOPE 

HOPE is another great virtue, or attribute of our 
lives, and is rightly called a "twin-sister of Faith. 
We hope when starting out on life's journey — if we 
have a right conception of its duties — that we may 
be useful to those around us, the world at large, and 
our Maker also for creating us and surrounding us 
with things for our enjoyment. Hope in the selec- 
tion of our life calling, and that in its fullest consum- 
mation, we may be instruments of good in the world. 
Hope buoys us up when life's storms are hardest and 
all looks dark around us, and we sometimes think 
our frail bark may become a shipwreck, but which, 
by its exercise, withstands all its buffetings, and, 
with Faith to guide us, will at life's end, we believe, 
help us to make a safe eternal anchorage. 

Hope is but second, and a twin-sister of Faith, 
It gives us the courage to go on day by day 
With our work, and our duty, as the Good Book 
sayeth. 
Hope cheers our hearts through our work and our 
play. 
The lining to every life-cloud is the virtue called 
Hope; 
A bright, glowing light, that illumes our life-road ; 
A star in the darkness, that helps us to cope 

With all of life's struggles to our eternal abode. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 15 

CHARITY 

IT HAS been said of the three virtues, Faith, Hope, 
and Charity, "The greatest of these is Charity." 
Charity is the mantle that covereth the faults of hu- 
manity; and, if fitly exercised, will give to each that 
"Peace that passeth all understanding." It is not 
only the gifts we rightly bestow upon others that 
constitutes true charity, but the liberal interpreta- 
tion of all questionable acts of others, giving to each 
the benefit of every doubt in the matter. We have 
the assurance that as we exercise this virtue in the 
judgment of others, so likewise will it be exercised 
toward us. 

The greatest of virtues is the one we call Charity ; 

Which covers of faults a multitude o'er. 
This virtue among humans, has become a great rarity, 

But should have been cultivated with each of us 
more. 
With its mantle it covers the faults of the many ; 

Its exercise, to each heart does give a warm glow ; 
Forgiveness of sins, that against us, if any. 

Will give to our own souls a comfort, I know. 




16 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

HYPOCRISY 

HYPOCRISY is one of the most infamous and con- 
temptuous of all the forms of sin. Untruth is 
its father, deceit its mother, and self-interest, flat- 
tery, pride, and duplicity are its nearest of kin, while 
uncharitableness, unfaithfulness, mercilessness, and 
hate are its children. Its forms are varied, from the 
one of making a profession of religion and living the 
life of an evil spirit, and he who makes no profession, 
contemning such, but doing things he contemns. Both 
the Old and New Testaments abound in severest con- 
demnation of Hypocrisy, and we do not feel we are 
presuming when we predict that in that great day 
when the sheep and goats are divided and receive 
their respective rewards there will be a great num- 
ber bearing the placards, ''Hypocrite, Prime, Lowest 
Ovens." 

There are sins black indeed, called "sins of commis- 
sion," 
That His Word and our conscience does clearly 
condemn ; 
There are others we know by the name, "sins of 
omission," 
But Hypocrisy is blacker and fouler than either of 
them. 



^ 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 17 



TRUTH 

TRUTH is an eternal fact, or, one of the attributes 
of Infinity. It matters not what we may think 
of each other's characters, how we may differ about 
social customs, politics, religion, or other manifold 
things of everyday life; or the greater ones, the 
origin of life and matter, the vastness of the universe, 
and the laws that govern it; whether there is a fu- 
ture life for us poor mortals after we pass from this, 
and what that life is to be. The truth of the matter 
is all that has existed, or will ever exist, as a fact, at 
any time, all else being but figments of the human 
brain. Truth is the foundation of every sterling 
character, without which any life, it matters not how 
polished and apparently fine it may appear on the 
surface, is but a hollow sham, and the integrity of 
that individual but a mockery. The Scriptures 
abound in admonitions to exercise this great virtue, 
and also in the severest condemnation of untruth- 
fulness. 

Truth is like a silver stream, flowing from the source 
of all. 

Leaving in each life a gleam, like sunlight on a water- 
fall. 

Let us each constantly acquire, through the days we 
struggle on. 

This great virtue, as we mount higher, and toward 
the setting of our sun. 



^^. 



18 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

THE BELLS OF LIFE 

WHEN we are young and gay, we hear the bells 
a-ringing, a-ringing, 
With joyful, happy sounds through all the glad- 
some days; 
These bells that we hear, then, are only earthly sing- 
ing, singing. 
Youth's happy language to us each, expressed in 
tuneful lays. 

Chorus. 

Life's bells to us do change, from first until the end ; 
Let us ring the joy-bells of our springtime while we 

may, 
For as we older grow the meter getteth slow. 
And is sung at last by angels and our friends. 

When we grow older we hear the bells a-toliing, a- 
tolling, 
To call us to our places upon the Sabbath days. 
The last call we shall hear will be a trumpet's rolling, 
rolling. 
Calling us to help them sing His eternal, royal 
praise. 

Chorus. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 19 

DEATH 

DEATH is the separation of man's ethereal form 
From its crude tenement or dwelling place of 
earthly clay. 
Whither shall each? and what the life after 'tis torn 
From its weak confines, is to be ? should be asked 
by all today. 

Why should we suffer, if, after all this harrowing of 
pain, 
The spirit, like the clay, disintegrates, then van- 
ishes in air? 
Would it not be useless so to live? Would not life all 
be vain 
If death ends all? This now we ask, and also try 
to answer fair. 

Life seems to me a preparation for a fuller state be- 
yond 
The present, where our humble sacrifices here will 
not be lost; 
Where life's dim shadows will then be clear as mir- 
age in a crystal pond ; 
The anchorage we have longed for, for our poor 
souls so rudely tempest-tossed. 

Just what this future is to be has never yet been 
clearly showm to man; 
But that a useful one it is to be Fm sure — no other 
could avail; 
And so I state my conclusions here, for they who may 
to scan : 
Death is the golden door to better things beyond 
this earthly vail. 



20 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

SUFFERING 

WHY should our dear ones be stricken with pain? 
Their poor mortal bodies by torture be 
wrung ? 
Why should our tears fall from our eyes like the 
rain ? 
Our feelings be torn when their last song is sung? 
In His infinite wisdom, there a reason must be, 

But what to our poor mortal eyes is not clear; 
It may be for patience and sympathy for others we 
see; 
Or it may be to wean us from the things that are 
here. 

If we knew naught but joy, no feeling for sorrow 
could give ; 
For by contrast we feel things in fullness for 
others ; 
We love and we grieve, through the years that we 
live; 
For others we sacrifice, as if they were brothers. 
Their pain brings our sympathy and touches our 
hearts ; 
Till their joys become ours, and their tears we help 
dry, 
And our fullness of life ihrough these things become 
parts, 
And receives its full answers to the questions of 
why. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 21 



LIFE 



LIFE is matter in animate motion, and in all things 
means activity, especially so in human life. How 
often we hear the expression, '*He, or she, is a live 
person." Human life is either admirable, or con- 
demnatory, as this activity is directed either into 
right or wrong channels ; and whence comes this di- 
rection? Is all the good within us inherent and ac- 
quired by moral education, or is there something else 
that directs our actions, in spite of inherent traits or 
education? The answer to this question is important 
to everyone. To myself this question analyzes in 
this way. Within man there exists, inseparable 
while we live, a physical and a spiritual part, the 
combination of which makes us what we are — su- 
perior earthly animals. By this combination we are 
"given dominion over all things on the earth." As 
man is the only being on earth exercising full domin- 
ion, then this spiritual part must be the real person of 
each individual, and not the form we see. This in 
each is different, and is what we term personality, or 
individuality, and makes each the separate, distinct 
individual we each are ; each either filling the niche 
He plans for us to fill and developing our individu- 
ality to its fullest, or following our own sordid fancies 
or carnal desires, until we I ecome so dwarfed spirit- 
ually we are unable to do any of the real things He 
would have us do. Self-examination should begin 
early in life, and as the result of that examination 
shows clear to us our needs, should be applied to the 
culture of the good within us, or repression of the 
evil, as they each appear in this self-examination. 



22 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



iiniiiiiiiiniMiiiii 



Life is action, death is likewise its great opposite 
fact; 
Both serving their great purpose in His great 
earthly plan. 
Let each one in living their brief life, both live and 
act 
So that their course vi^hen ended here will be a part 
with future man. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 23 



JUSTICE 

JUSTICE is usually represented by a pair of bal- 
ances, with the Goddess of Liberty holding the 
scales ; and this figure is indeed typical, as only in a 
free nation is full justice possible, and many times in 
such a mere figure of speech. Absolute justice is 
many times hard to attain, but when attained, and 
tempered with mercy, brings forth naught but good. 
Justice, truth, and mercy, are three essentials in 
every sterling character, and when love is added we 
have a perfect character. It is the basis of all en- 
during law, the strength of every enduring social 
fabric, the epitome of every right decision. Without 
it man's assertions are a mockery, his claims to right- 
eousness, blasphemy, and he a hypocrite indeed. 

Justice are the scales that balance right, 

And is held by the hand that holds liberty, too ; 
When wrong throws it up, we must then make the 
fight 
To regain equilibrium, both honest and true. 
Making lines hard and fast, it seems hard when at- 
tained ; 
But when tempered with mercy the result is most 
good; 
With Justice and Mercy to judge, when wrong is ar- 
raigned. 
Their decision is right, no appeal's understood. 



24 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



MY ADIEUX TO CLARE COUNTY 

GOOD-BYE, old friend, and when again we meet 
I hope all rancor, and all flings will be forgot. 
For I have from you many inspirations sweet 

Put into verse, and prose, and dreams, upon this 
spot; 
Where fate, it seems to me, has taken her own part 

In crushing from the narrow confines of my soul 
Many selfish things, that, kept within the heart, 
And kept there long, soon masters us, and our con- 
trol 
Of thought and action, and the work for us to do,- — 
And work enough there is, some clear and plain, 
And some so clouded that our sky so blue 

Is clouded like the one above before the rain. 
And so our trials, and our burdens, sometimes hard. 
Clears out the soul and shows the bright expanse 
above ; 
For cleared by sacrifice, we feel the great reward, 
And when the dross is cleared from out our hearts, 
leaves love. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 25 

STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA 

OUR nation's flag must soon again be stained 
By the blood of her sons, and the tears of her 
mothers ; 
Not for conquest or pelf is our might being arraigned, 
But for freedom and peace, and righting wrongs 
done by others. 

Chorus. 

Strike! Sons of Columbia, strike the foe with thy 
might. 
Until at thy feet plead they your blows for to cease. 
With monarchs stamped out, masses soon do the 
right ; 
And until this is done, can the world long have 
peace. 

The nations' flags, across the waves, are torn and 
tattered ; 
Their ground is torn by shells, and their graves 
are dotted thick ; 
But they bravely stood the shock when the blows 
came hard that shattered. 
We are coming, friends, to help you, and we're on 
the double-quick. 

Chorus. 

Strike ! Sons of Columbia, your brothers have called,. 

To help in the fray that is waged for the right; 
When thy blows falling fast, and the foe is appalled 

At the vigor delivered, hurrah ! with your might. 

The nations' dear ones, wives and children, foully 
murdered. 



26 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

Are calling from their graves beneath the briny 
waves, 
Not for vengeance, but that the power of those who 
ordered, 
Be eliminated ever and punished, the same as 
common knaves. 

Chorus. 
Strike! Sons of Columbia, strike! but thy flag — 
never, — 
With all of your resources, every one, every hour; 
Show the foe we are patriots, now and forever; 
Strike hard, and strike deep, show the world now 
thy power. 



^ We are all cogs in the great wheel of life. Let us 
each stick tenaciously to the rim until we have per- 
formed our part in His program of life. 

^ We deserve what we usually get, and usually get 
what we deserve. 




«^^ 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 27 

LAW 

LAW is supposed to be the rule that should regu- 
late all our acts, otherwise the conductor of our 
train of morals. It dates back way beyond the mem- 
ory of the oldest inhabitant. Moses is said to be the 
first writer of laws, but since then writers on law 
have not been as explicit as he. That is why a good 
law library has to have so many book-shelves. Some 
men have some law in their heads, but it is princi- 
pally in books bound in sheepskin, at eight dollars 
per volume, which, with the usual lawyers' fees, 
shows that it comes high even in the original pack- 
age, and, like intoxicating liquors, is to most people 
very bewildering. Interpreting law seems to be a 
special profession, while interpreting right, most any- 
body can do ; which leads me to think there must be 
quite a difference. Disregard of the law is the road 
the criminal takes to the penitentiary; and the time 
it takes him to get there depends largely on the size 
of his bankroll. The application of law to secure 
justice, is like the application of a mustard plaster 
to remove pain; if applied by skillful hands, in the 
right spot, one gets relief, otherwise a blister. (Per- 
sonal experience.) 

Law is of old, and continuous through the ages, down 
to us. 

And, as it rolls along, old Father Time adds much 
unto its size ; 

Men become skillful in its knowledge, but feed upon 
the fuss 

The breaking of it brings, and the common differ- 
ences that arise 

Between poor mortals, and the feeling that in conse- 
quence between 



28 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



Them comes. But little law myself I've had, my 

brother and my sister, 
And so that's why, it to apply, I say, is often like a 

blister. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 29 

IT'S CERTAINLY FINE 

IT'S certainly fine, when we think back, when we 
were girl or boy, 
Remembering that, with rare exceptions, our lives 

were one continuous joy; 
One round of pleasure, from the rising to the setting 

of the sun ; 
Our tasks were then not irksome, but listed then as 

fun. 
Our walks to school, after our morning duties at the 

farm ; 
The romps and games we all enjoyed, without ap- 
parent harm ; 
The duties that our teachers gave were pleasures to 

prepare, 
And the friendly strife between us left no rancor in 

our air. 

And then, when we were older, and we began to 
think 

More seriously of life, and the things upon its brink. 

We found pleasure in helping Mother, and pleasure 
in helping Dad, 

And when either one under burdens crushed, it al- 
ways made us sad. 

There were pleasures in the sleigh-rides we took be- 
side each other. 

Under the robes so snug and warm, as we went to 
visit another ; 

Or went to church, or singing-school, spelling-match, 
or debate ; 

There was pleasure then within our hearts, even if 
we were late. 



30 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

Then when we found the companion to go with us 

through life, 
And we left the shelter of the old home nest that 

had kept us away from strife, 
We found pleasure in dandling the little ones that 

came to bless our life. 
Or toss them in the air for fun, or correct them if 

there was strife ; 
And teach them as they got older, and help them to 

grow and expand 
The little talents given them, and meet life and its 

demands. 
Then as they felt their powers, and went their sep- 
arate way, 
'Twas fine to se they realized 'twas to work, and not 

to play. 

And so we look back on life, in a careful retrospect. 
Marking the many pleasures and good, canceling 

the errors' effect. 
If we have been true to the precepts of right and not 

to that of wrong. 
We come to the eventide of our lives with joy, — in 

our hearts a song. 
For we know the blessed promise made in His holy 

Word, 
That if we, as all have sinned, and our hearts are 

truly stirred 
By repentance, and our life from then to the end 

does come. 
Is filled with the earnest of such, we shall hear the 

words, "Well done." 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 31 

LAWYERS 

LAWYERS are the men — and some women — who 
are supposed to know where on the book-shelves 
the law is to be found (but few of them carry very- 
much of a load of it in their heads), and can make 
you think you ought to let them try and thrash the 
other fellow and his lawyer, at the rate of from $25 
to $1000 per day, without any guaranty of success 
except "the liquid amber of their speech." Courts 
are places where young lawyers learn oratory, and 
older ones partizan politics, by stripping characters 
promiscuously, and where, as the Scriptures say, 
"You can come out when your money's gone." 
Courts are of several kinds, the lowest of which are 
called "justice" courts. That shows what the high- 
est should be called. They remind me of common 
people and emperors, for before the highest an ordin- 
ary person has no right to appear and plead his own 
cause, however just it may be. Going back to law- 
yers, v/ill say, from my personal observation, St. 
Peter will have a difficult job in sorting the lot, or 
will have to make a universal decision against them, 
or adjourn the most favorable cases for another 
hearing. 

Don't go to law ; never mind, never mind 

If your f ellowmen treat you contemptuous ; 
You might better by far their friendship unbind 

Than stir up your mind with things so tempestuous. 
"If they sue for your coat, let them have your cloak 
too," 

Is the Scripture, clear, plain and concise ; 
So if they compel you to go once — for their due 

You compel them to go with you twice. 



32 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

IT CERTAINLY HURT 

IT CERTAINLY hurt when you, a barefoot boy, 
Was singing and a-romping morn and noon, 
To stub your toe on a stone or a stick, 
Or a bumblebee made you change your tune ; 
Or the old sow ate up your brand new cap 
You picked and sold beechnuts for; 
Or your Dad says, **John, you can stay at home 
And help me this afternoon." It certainly hurt. 

It certainly hurt when you got long pants, 
And took a girl out for a ride ; 

You wanted to go again, and heard her say this then, 
"IVe got another, John, you'd better slide." 
And when they'd longer grown, and into your life- 
room 
You wanted another with you to reside, 
You heard her laugh, and say, **Why, John, you're 

getting gay ; 
I thought you knew I was playing with your spoon." 

And so all through life's way you are hurt most every 

day. 
In many ways and times you least expect; 
And thinking of this fact, my head has almost 

cracked 
Philosophising, and it caused me to reflect. 
And I decided of them all, misfortunes great and 

small, 
That to us poor fellow-mortals could ever come. 
Would be on St. Peter's gate find this sign, "You are 

too late," 
The door is closed to you, I'm not at home. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 33 

UP-TO-DATE WHOLESALING 

OUR mercantile houses all over this land 
Are supplied by wholesalers, and not from first 

hand; 
To this method of trade no one could object 
If their methods were fair, and did not over-collect. 
If a rapid growth comes, as in all other lines, 
Smaller firms are organized, to help make good 

times. 
This never will do, the large firms will say. 
And they get together, these small firms to slay. 
We will buy you outright (at a price that would 

shock). 
Or, we'll give you par value (if you'll take it in 

stock). 
This is our offer, take it or leave it alone — 
The small firms refusing, are eaten clear down to the 

bone. 
Adding insult to injury, the large firms then say, 
It would have been better had you come in the way 
That we offered ; you might have known you would 

fail 
By sticking to you)- way, and not adopting wholesale. 

This is a sample of business, and will fit nearly all 
cases, 

From the making of maps, rugs, mirrors, or boot- 
laces; 

Machines of all kinds, both little and big ; 

The raising of crops, or of cows, or the pig. 

You must do all things large or you're not in the race, 

For the small man's quite minus, the tailenders his 
place. 

As 'tis with industrials, it's the same with the nations, 

If you're small and weak, with rest your equations 



34 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



Are minus, you've no voice with them ; you can do as 

they say, 
For if you do not, then the deuce is to pay. 
Of the truths I have quoted, illustrations are many, 
In front and behind you, are quite numerous, if any. 
The powerful nations think they're a law to the 

world, 
And so these small ones from their rights have been 

hurled. 
Making might their great standard, millions are put 

under the sod — 
But we wonder what results will bring forth when 

they take issue with God. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 35 

ALF. 
PREFACE. 

Alf. is the short for Alfalfa, surnamed Littlejohn, 
a neighbor friend of mine, — and a good friend he 
has been, too, since I have lived here in Clare county, 
helping me through, and over, many of the hard 
places, while living there. Alf. is a married man 
with a family, while I am living temporary single, 
doing my own cooking, etc. But I get no sympathy 
from him, as he says. "I have no business to fix my- 
self that way." Alf. — being true to name — wears a 
fair crop of whiskers, while I shave clean. He is an 
Episcopal Methodist religiously, and a Republican 
politically, and thinks he's some farmer. I don't be- 
long to any church, claim to be independent politic- 
ally (Alf. says too blamed independent at times), 
and also claim to know the rudiments of raising 
crops. As we live where we can see each other's 
farm, you can imagine there is, at times, some good- 
natured criticism of each other's methods. 

CHAPTER I. 
CONUNDRUMS. 

ONE day Alf. came down to bring some magazines 
home that he had borrowed, and, after we had 
passed the time of day, discussed the weather condi- 
tions, and he had slyly criticised the size of my wood- 
pile, he said: ''John, on one page of this magazine of 
yours it is headed, 'Sense and Nonsense,' and I vum 
I can't make out the difference between them ; I wish 
you would explain the difference to me, if there is 
any." 



36 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

"The reason you can see no difference, Alf., is your 
lack of discrimination. You're the same about your 
politics. Now, sense is where you say something, 
even if you don't talk much ; and nonsense is where 
you don't say anything, however much you talk." 

"I took the conundrum part better," said Alf. 
**Some of them were almost as good as I could make 
myself." 

"Huh!" I said, "You couldn't make a conundrum, 
Alf., if you had a good set of tools to do it with." 

"I'll show you," he says. "Why is your head like 
a strainer?" 

"Why, " I says, "that's easy. Because it helps to 
make things clear that passes through it." 

"Ha! ha!" laughed Alf., slapping his leg. "I 
thought I'd get a raise out of that big bump of yours 
this time. Ha! ha!" 

"Well," I says, "you seem so sure I'm *it' on this 
conundrum game of yours, kindly *shoot your an- 
swer." 

"Well, sir, John," he says, "the reason your head 
is like a strainer is the simplest thing in the world ; 
when either one works at all, they simply have to 
strain.^^ 

I gasped a few times, and then happening to look 
at the clock saw a way out, and says, "Please excuse 
me, Alf., it is chore time, and I must go and feed the 
steers. Come down again when you can't stay so 
long." 

A few days later Alf. came down to borrow my 
bucksaw, and after he had learned where I had lent 
it, and that he could take it, as I didn't want to use it, 
he asks, "How's conundrums today, John?" 

"Well," I says, "kind of wary like, pretty fair; 
how's yours?" 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 37 



Well, I think Fve a pretty good one, if you feel 
equal to tackling it." 

"Hurry up and get it off your *gray matter,* then, 
before it sours and gives you the nightmare, Alf.,'' I 
answers. 

"Well, John, this one is easy. Why is woman called 
man's better half?" 

After thinking kind of careful, and not discovering 
any catch, I answered, "Because according to the 
earliest records of each, he is two ribs short." 

Alf. looked surprised, and said, "That's pretty 
good for you, John ; but that wasn't my answer. 
"Well,''' I says, "what's yours?" 
"My answer is this, John, The reason woman is 
called a man's better half is, she has matched up 
with him all over the earth and has produced all the 
increase." 

After this we got to talking about the relative 
merits of man and woman, Alf. claiming she was 
only a little bit better than man, while I claimed she 
was a whole lot better, naturally, educationally, and 
otherwise. 

"Well," he says, "you can claim all you wish, but 
you can't prove your contention." 

"Well, sir, Alf., I believe I can," I said. "We'll 
take you and your wife as an illustration. When you 
are called before St. Peter for your final examination 
for admission, you are going to have some pretty 
hard questions to answer, aren't you? But when 
your wife is called, and he asks her name, and she 
tells him, and he asks, 'Number, please?' and she 
says (thinking he is asking for the number of her 
children) six — two girls and four boys — he will 
make her his very best bow, and say, 'Madam, take 
that easy-springed chariot there to the right, the one 
with the sign, "For Mothers Only," and it will take 



38 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



you where you can step into one of the choicest seats 
in heaven/ '' 

CHAPTER II. 
THE STARTING OF THE EUROPEAN WAR. 

ONE day in August, 1914, I was working near the 
road, when I heard an awful racket, and look- 
ing up I saw Alf. coming down the road in his old 
concord buggy, and his old mare going some, for her. 
I ran out, thinking — strange as it may seem — that 
she was running away; but when they came near, 
Alf. said, **Whoa!" and I saw he had been actually 
urging her. 

"John," he said, all excited like, **all hell's broke 
loose." 

"Alf.," I says, "I'm ashamed of you, a deacon in 
the church, using such language as that. Calm down 
and tell me all about it. Has Billy Sunday finally 
succeeded in blowing up that international roasting 
place ? or have they started another saloon in Harri- 
son and you been drinking?" 

"John," he says, more calmly, "all Europe has 
gone to war, and blood is flowing worse than it did 
in the old lumbering days." 

"Well," I says, "that does sound serious, Alf. 
What is the rukus about, and how did it get started?" 

"I didn't see anyone in Harrison who seemed to 
know what it was over, but as near as I could learn, 
a couple of Austrian aristocrats got Serbed, and their 
folks, who are of the class that say they are born to 
rule, said to the Servian government, *You must ad- 
mit that you ordered the job,' and when they refused 
they began to play rough-house with them right 
away. Then it seems that Russia — who had been 
acting as a sort of chaperon for her — began to get 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 39 



iiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiitiiitiiiiiiiiiitiira 



ready to act as official encourager to Servia. Then 
Germany (who, by the way, has the greatest of born- 
to-rule aristocrats over them, as he claims to receive 
his authority direct from the Almighty), says to 
Russia, 'Kindly resign as official encourager to Ser- 
via, immediately/ And when she wouldn't, she be- 
gan to punish her by invading Belgium, to get to 
France (who is sort of official half-brother to Rus- 
sia), and there they are smashing away at each 
other, not only fit to kill, but killing each other pro- 
miscuously. Here's a paper that tells the whole 
yarn ; read it and bring it up after you get your chores 
done." 

I found Alf. had told it about as the paper did, 
only they used even larger headlines than he had, 
and he and I decided to take the paper jointly for 
three months (the time the paper said it would take 
to settle the rukus) , and when the three months were 
up, we renewed for six months, then signed for a 
w^hole year, and now we have decided to become life 
members, as we can see no signs of its ever stopping. 



A 



CHAPTER HI. 
WHAT CAUSED THE WAR. 

FEW weeks later Alf. came down one rainy day 
and we again got to talking about the war, and 
how it started, and Alf. allowed that if he couldn't 
just name the rascal who started it, said he thought 
he was a black-hearted, fork-tailed old scoundrel. 
Then we went over the whole rukus again from start 
to present: the murder at Serejavia, Russia's mobiliz- 
ing, Germany's demand on her to quit, Russia's "sit- 
ting tight" and beginning to take what she was get- 
ting, how Germany to punish Russia for her im- 
pertinence invaded Belgium to get to France, how 



40 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

the gritty little Belgium nation said to her (when she 
asked to cross her grounds to play the final game of 
the series was France), "You had better go across 
your own fields to get to her grounds; our's are 
planted to useful crops," how the Germans com- 
menced mussin' her up instantly, and, when we had 
covered the whole ground, and tried to clear up the 
cause by the clarifying power of our combined intel- 
lects, the whole blooming business looked like a 
Chinese puzzle on a gigantic scale, and we finally 
decided we didn't know much more about it than 
some folks we knew who didn't take a daily paper, 
and who got all their information either second- 
handed or from signs or dreams. 

About a week later Alf. came down to bring my 
bucksaw home, as he said he didn't want to use it 
any more, and while talking about the latest military 
movements in Europe, said, "John, I've about made 
up my mind what caused this European rukus." 

"Well," I says, "that sounds encouraging, Alf.^ 
what is your idea?" 

"Simply monarching," he answers. 

"Monarching!" I exclaims. "How do you make 
that out?" 

"Well, sir, John, I figure it something like this. 
These European monarch saw the spirit of self- 
government growing among their own subjects, and 
they thought that by starting this rukus the minds 
of their subjects would be taken from these disquiet- 
ing things, patriotism toward their own countries 
would be fostered, and their own rule thus pro- 
longed." 

"Why, Alf.," I asks, "you don't think human be- 
ings would start anything as heartless as that, do 
you?" 

"Well, John, in this country where individuals be- 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 41 



come full-expansioned by hard work and study — 
many times rising from the lowest walks in life to 
the highest — this would be impossible. But in Eu- 
rope where certain families are bom full-expan- 
sioned — as far as their right to rule over others, 
without their consent or wishes are concerned — one 
can believe almost anything of them, even to a de- 
sire of some of them for world dominion." 

"Alf.," I asked, ''do you think we have made a 
decided success of self-government ourselves?" 

''Well, John, to be frank, I don't think weVe been 
perfection at it, but when I compare our history with 
the nations who have been governed by these born- 
to-rule aristocrats I'm not so dummed ashamed of 
our record, for I think we have disproved this born- 
to-rule idea by the lives of such men as Lincoln, Gar- 
field, McKinley, and others who were allowed to live 
and help finish that lesson. And I believe, John, 
when we as a people get a few of the 'beams' out of 
our ovv^n eyes we are going to see clear and plain the 
road ahead to the further advancement of right 
among our own people, and are going to help cast 
the 'mote' of ruling by might from some of the 
others." 

"Well, Alf.," I says, "you have certainly given me 
something to think about while feeding the steers. 
Come dov/n again." 

CHAPTER IV. 
HOW TO STOP THE WAR. 

A SHORT time after this I was up to Alf.'s one 
stormy day, as I had got somewhat disgusted 
with just myself for company, and, of course, we 
soon got to talking about the war, and the talk drift- 
ed into when it would stop, and the best way to stop 



42 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

it. "I vum, Alf.," I says, ''it seems as if something 
could be done to stop it before they kill off all the 
best young men we and the other nations have, leav- 
ing the culls to propagate the race." 

''Well, John, what can you and I do, when some of 
the best men in our country have tried. Now there's 
your man Bryan — " 

"Hold right on, Alf., don't you go to wishing him 
on to me," I said. "I only promised myself to vote 
for him once out of the six times he has run for Presi- 
dent, and then the Lord interfered." 

"Then there's Ford—" 
. "That's better, Alf., I've one of his myself, and 
believe me, if the sample I have is a fair one of his 
whole factory, he'll have the Germans on the anxious 
seat in short order when he turns the whole of it 
against them." 

"Seems to me you are a little mite critical of your 
betters today, John. How you would look, wouldn't 
you, on a Chatauquan stage trying to make a speech, 
instead of sitting in the audience where you belong? 
And how the machinery would look if you tried to 
make an automobile ! Why, you couldn't fix your old 
windmill when it gave out last fall. These men have 
tried anyhow." 

"So they did, Alf. But what did they accomplish? 
And as for comparing me with Bryan on the Chau- 
tauquan stage, and Ford making an automobile, will 
only say, that's tJieir business, mine's feeding steers at 
present. And further, I don't believe theirs — from 
results — is making peace between the warring na- 
tions. You say I'm critical. What v/ould you think 
of me if a lion, a bear, a wildcat, and a whole parcel 
more wild animals were fighting over in your wood- 
lot, scratching, biting and even trying to kill each 
other with their nasty, stinking breaths, and I should 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 43 

go dov/n in mine, or even over in the edge of yours, 
and say, *Sh, sh, there, boys, there, stop, please/ ex- 
pecting them to obey. I think I'd hear you say, 
'You old fool, why didn't you take a gun? or at least 
"the big stick"?'" 

"You seem in an ultra critical mood today, John, 
but I don't seem to hear you criticising President 
Wilson." 

"Why should I?" I answered. "He's our house- 
keeper, and I helped hire him. And I calculate he 
has made us a good one, for he isn't afraid to clean 
house if it seems necessary. As a patriotic, intelli- 
gent American, I think he grades A-1, and I feel 
this old *ship of state' of ours is fairly safe while he 
is guiding it. And I believe when this history that he 
is helping to write, is all written, his name will be 
honored equally with the great liberator, George 
Washington, the great emancipator, Abraham Lin- 
coln, the great 'big stick' wielder, Theodore Roose- 
velt ; in fact, as you express it, he is one of our f ull- 
expansioned ones in our presidential list." 

CHAPTER V. 

HOMESPUN PHILOSOPHY ON WEALTH. 

A SHORT time after this we were taking our stock 
to Harrison, as it was shipping day, and I hap- 
pened to think of an item I had read in the paper on 
the interesting subject that was filling its columns, 
about a certain "leak" that had taken place, or was 
said to have taken place, and I asks Alf. how long 
would it take you to earn $476,000. 

"Stop such fool questions as that," said Alf. "Even 
if we were placed back to Methuselah's time, I 
wouldn't, under the most favorable circumstances, 



44 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

live long enough to earn that much. What are you 
driving at?" 

"Well," I said, "I read last night of a man (I think 
his name was Baruch) who made that much in six 
days, a short time ago. How do you suppose he 
made it?" 

"There's quite a difference between making and 
getting, John. I read that same article, and if you 
can show me where he, or anyone else, made any 
money in their transactions there, then I'm ready to 
admit these contentions of mine are wrong, but until 
someone does, I'm from Missouri." 

"According to your interpretation of making 
money, Alf., there must be quite a list of men in this 
country who have not made the wealth they possess." 

"Kight you are, John, that's my idea exactly. That 
list has been growing altogether too fast, and is now 
altogether too long." 

"But isn't there many wealthy men who have ac- 
cumulated large fortunes — gained them honestly?" 

"Yes; but where one has made his honestly, ten 
have made their's dishonestly." 

"But if they have, and are accumulating property 
illegally, why don't they stop it?" 

"Because, John, many dishonest ways are legal- 
ized, and until they are made illegal, law-abiding 
citizens are powerless to prevent these things taking 
place ; and many times their immense fortunes make 
them so powerful even their illegal acts are hard to 
bring home to them and punish them for." 

"How would you go at it to stop these wrongs 
being done?" 

"Well, John, I don't know as I've the head on my 
body that can make this clear, but I'll try. A little 
while back I said there was quite a difference be- 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 45 

tween making and getting wealth, and I'll explain 
my ideas fully about this difference. As you know, 
John, I believe that all wealth that exists is the prod- 
uct of human effort, either physical or mental. That 
the natural wealth — that which God has placed on 
and in the earth for man's use as he needs it — is ab- 
solutely valueless until human effort is applied to 
them, and they are changed from their original form 
or location to one where man can utilize and enjoy 
them. This process is what I call making wealth. 
Now men come along with schemes to separate these 
men from all or a portion of the wealth they have 
honestly produced. That's what I call getting wealth. 
Just how to remedy the wrongs already done, I must 
admit looks to me well nigh impossible for man to 
do; I fear it will have to' be left to be adjusted by 
the great Adjuster of all wrongs. But to prevent 
these things in the future, or a large portion of them, 
can — I believe — be done, but it is up to these pro- 
ducers of wealth themselves whether these things 
are done or not. As they are a large majority of our 
citizenship, it seems to me they will be to blame 
themselves if they do not cause these corrections to 
be made. You asked how, and I'll answer. Only by 
united effort, along lines of right only, as these are 
the only ones that can consolidate the producers of 
the world together, and correct, on right lines, the 
things that need correcting. If these producers of 
wealth split up into petty factions, each working for 
betterments in their particular work only, and many 
times take unjust positions as related to other pro- 
ducers' prosperity, then the effort to correct real 
evils, I fear will be delayed a long time. What we 
need is a true cooperative spirit in these things, that 
takes in all, and is not concentrated selfishly to a 
few of which they are one of the number. When 



46 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

true cooperation takes place we can select men to 
enact just laws, repeal unjust ones, enforce those we 
have, and do things that need doing, and make facts 
things that so far have been largely theories." 

"I vum, Alf., you have given me more to think of 
than any talk we have ever had. But here we are, 
and there's Chris waiting to weigh up our stock just 
as honestly as his conscience will allow." 

CHAPTER VI. 

ALF.'S GETHSEMANE. 

THE latter part of March Alf. came down, and sat 
around, without making any errand known, 
glooming and blue, scarcely answering my questions, 
try as hard as I could to draw him out, but without 
success, until at last I gave up and said : "Alf., what 
you need is a dose of Jad's salts, or some other good 
medicine you see advertised in our paper, that will 
cure you of anything that ails you." 

"Stop your levity, John," he says. "I don't see 
how you can joke, with our country sure to be soon 
engaged in this greatest war of all times, and our 
young men sure to have to go and help, we hardly 
know yet what to accomplish, many of them never 
to come back again." 

"Excuse me, Alf, old friend," I says, "I only said 
this to draw you out, as I saw there was something 
serious troubling you. It certainly does look as if 
there is another notch in our destiny, to be cut on 
history's stick, and I believe it will be a deep and 
honorable one. Here's hoping our part will be a 
large, but short one, so that the world can the sooner 
settle themselves to peaceful pursuits once more. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 47 

and begin replacing the destruction and devastation 
that will take place to its end/' 

"Yes, John, I know we both look at this matter in 
the same light, but there's the boys- — " and his voice 
broke. "Henry said yesterday he had thought the 
matter all over, and, although he hated to leave the 
hard work all for I and Frank to do, he felt it his 
duty to enlist. And, of course, I took him by the 
hand and said, 'God bless you, my boy, for looking 
at this matter in the right light. Go, and wherever 
you are, and however hard it may be, do your full 
duty, and never give old dad's work another thought, 
as that will be taken care of some way.' Then in the 
afternoon, Fred came over from his place and said, 
*Dad, I've decided to enlist if Sue can come home to 
live until I return. John Bittner says he'll work the 
place for me and keep it up in good shape while I 
am gone, — and you know he is one of the best farm- 
ers in the country, and may be later, when I have to 
go, I might not be able to get as good a man to look 
after things.' Sure, Fred," I said, "that will be all 
right. Since you married Sue you have been one of 
my boys, and I just told Henry to go as he wished, 
and do his duty, and I say the same to you. Sue and 
the baby are as 'welcome as the flowers in May.' 
And I'll be mighty tickled to have that young rascal 
of yours to play with permanently for awhile. Fred 
is a fine young fellow, with fine prospects before 
him on that new farm of his, and I hated to think 
of he and Henry going ; but I got hit the hardest later 
when young Frank — who you know has just turned 
eighteen — said to me, 'Dad, I want to enlist and go 
with the other boys. I know you need me, but don't 
you think it is my duty to go? I believe by keeping 
more sheep and not crop as heavy as you have you 
can get through, don't you? I don't want to leave 



48 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

you, Dad, but it just seems to me there's something 
calling me that way strongly/ This time I couldn't 
keep the moisture all out of my eyes, John, or the 
break all out of my voice, but I braced up and faced 
the situation as brave as I could, and said, 'Frank, 
you're a chip off the old block sure. Go? of course 
you can, and I'm mighty glad you can be with the 
others, so you can kinda look after the young kids.' 
Then he broke down and cried harder than he ever 
did when I had to touch him up a bit with the blue 
beech. But he soon got a grip on his feelings, and 
said, 'Good old Dad ! I told the boys you would say 
yes. Now we'll be together, and we'll make things 
interesting for the Germans when we run up against 
them, or I miss a guess or two.' " 

Alf . had finally got his trouble exposed to my view, 
but not off his mind, and commenced glooming again. 

"V/ell, Alf.," I said, "we'll borrow no more trouble 
about these things, knowing they'll come out all 
right. But there's a favor I want to ask of ye." 

''It's granted, whatever it is, John," he answered. 
"What is it?" 

"Well," I said, kinda sheepish like, "I want to 
borrow a quart of milk. I licked the heifer this 
morning, when she stepped on my foot, and when I'm 
tom-fool enough to do that, she holds her milk up 
for forty-eight hours afterward." 

"Quart? I'll give ye a whole pailful if you want it. 
It's cheap enough at that to get ye to admit you have 
never been weaned. So long, John." 

After I'd fed the steers, I took a basin and went up 
after the milk. 

Alf .'s wife said, as I knocked at the door and made 
my request known, "Alf.'s at the barn milking now, 
John." And smiling slyly, she said, "Go right out 
there and get it, he has a strainer on his pail, John." 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 49 

As I neared the barn I heard someone talking, and 
not wishing to break into any private conversation 
between Alf. and anyone else, I looked through a 
large crack in the barn door, and there was Alf. on 
his knees on the barn floor, with the tears streaming 
down his weather-beaten cheeks, and I heard this 
before I grasped what he was doing : *Lord, you have 
just got to take hold and stop this awful destruction 
of humanity. John and I would either one, or both, 
give each of our legs — " and then I sneaked away 
without the milk, and as I went down the road toward 
home, I said to myself, "John Korntossel, youVe 
learned something, and that is, that you are not the 
only friend Alf. Littlejohn has; and you're not his 
best one either; he never talked to you like he did to 
Him." 

After I had my chores all cleaned up, and a good 
fire built, I sat there by it until late, mulling the 
w^hole blooming business from start to present, and 
finally, as my fire got low, I prepared to retire. I 
didn't read my usual lesson from His Word, and did 
not even kneel or speak aloud, but from my heart 
I said, "Lord, you heard all of Alf .'s prayer, of which 
I only heard a part, and I know you'll answer it, be- 
cause you have said you would ; but I know you will 
answer it in your own way, and your ozvii good time, 
not his. Help us each to do Thy will in this and other 
trials of our lives, and if good comes from our efforts. 
Thou shalt have the praise, for we know only from 
Thee comes lasting good. Amen." 



50 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

CHAPTER VII. 
ALF/S BOYS LEAVE TO JOIN THEIR REGIMENT. 

FOR the next few weeks I saw but little of Alf., as 
he and the boys were very busy getting the work 
cleaned up, that was possible to be did before they 
left for Texas, v/here the regiment they had enlisted 
in had been ordered to go sometime in April, and 
the exact date they were to leave had slipped from 
my mind, when one morning while finishing my after- 
breakfast chores, I saw Alf.'s team coming, and he 
and his wife on the front seat, and the three boys 
and Gus Swanz (William Swanz' eldest boy) on the 
other two. And as they came nearer I heard them 
singing; and listening to hear what it was, found it 
was one I had never heard, but caught these words : 

The Germans say the Yankees haven't any sand, 
To meet them in a battle, on sea or on the land ; 
That they haven't any spines at all, but just like 

jellyfish. 
But that they hadn't said this, we're going to make 

them wish. 

Chorus. 

Sand, sand, sand, the Germans say we need ; 
And spines, good spines to help us in our speed. 
But if they think the latter is what we Yankees lack. 
They'll have to turn us over to put one in our back. 

The Germans say their rule is given from above. 
But they discard the Golden Rule — one that all 
should love. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 51 

We say this to their rulers, and will plant it in their 

brains ; 
We'll show them both our sand, also our justice 

reigns. — Chorus, 

As they finished, about as they drove up in front, 
Alf. stopped his team, and he and his wife bid me a 
hearty good-morning, the older boys a respectful one 
also, and young Frank, full of irrepressible youth, 
said, "Good-bye, John, we're off ! Take good care of 
Dad, John, and don't let him get into mischief, or get 
lazy this summer." And then slapping young Gus 
on the back, he said: **I told you he would go, John. 
That there was one German-American I knew was 
loyal to the good old Stars and Stripes, and I'll bet 
my brand new gun against your old musket, that 
we'll find a lot just as good as he is w^hen we get to 
Texas. So long, John." 

Alf. whipped up his team to cut the young upstart 
off, and also hide his own emotion, which I saw was 
getting the better of him. And then the boys again 
took up their song; and as they drove over the hill 
the last thing I heard was "Sand, sand, etc.," until 
it died out in the distance. I listened until the last 
faint refrain was heard, and then going toward the 
house, with my head down, said to myself, "God 
bless the boys. Would that they might all come 
back; but we know they can not, for war's rules are 
otherwise. Help them each to do their full duty in 
this great task set before them, so that those who 
follow them may enjoy the blessings that their sac- 
rifice is to bring to the world — perpetual peace to 
all. Amen." 



52 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



REFLECTIONS ON A WINTER'S THUNDER 
SHOWER 

(March 11, 1917.) 

LAST night I lay me down, without the usual utter- 
ings, 
When in the night I was awoke by rain upon the roof, 

and thunder's mutterings; 
And as I lay and listened to the two, I pondered o'er 

these facts. 
That they, at this unusual time of year, reminded me 

of many acts 
Of Providence, that to our finite minds seem very 

hard to learn. 
Of blessings many, to us each bestowed, until we 

unto Him turn 
In thankfulness for all that He in His great wisdom, 

plain. 
Gives to us, — comforts, pleasures, happiness, also 

rigors, care, and pain. 

And then again, I think me, as the thunders roll and 
cease. 

It is somewhat like our own awakening, from apathy 
and peace. 

Until we see more clearly what He would have each 
one to do; 

Both when life's storms are rolling, and when the sky 
is blue. 

So let us each, when given the many things conferred. 

Let not rebellious thoughs within, but by thankful- 
ness be stirred; 

Whether of joy or sorrow, or hardships to be borne. 

Accept each one in gratitude, and not rebel and 
mourn. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 53 



WHAT SHALL WE PLANT, AND WHY 

THE springtime season for our sowing has again 
rolled 'round, 
And now the careful farmer revises and completes 

his season's plans. 
What shall I plant in this? what shall I sow in that 

good ground? 
Are questions he now asks himself ; and some selects, 

While he some others bans. 
He reasons that to do his part in this our nation's 

great preparedness plan, 
His best experience and judgment must be drawn 

upon replete ; 
And he makes inventory of his acres, labor, and tools 

for team and man, 
That he can utilize ; then, what to buy to meet the 

season's call complete. 
Then he looks over his acreage, and condition of his 

wheat and rye. 
And then decides on what to plant, and what to sow, 

and why. 



The springtime of their lives to many have just come, 
to others nearly set; 

Now thoughtful ones each ask themselves, Have all 
my days been busy and well sown? 

If so, what shall I plant for future years? What shall 
I sow that I can garner yet? 

If not, what shall I sow in thoughts and actions kind, 
and many, to atone? 

Then, when the program's made, the toil again be- 
gins, more strenuous than that gone by. 

Sometimes the way is smooth ; more often rough and 
hard, as we the heights attain. 



54 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

But when we pause a moment to rest, and breathe in- 
spiration from God's sky, 

And look ahead, and back along the way, we see 
that all this toil was for our gain ; 

Then looking over all our acts, in all our years gone 

by, 
Decide on what to plant in this the autumn of our 
lives, and why. 

Nations, like people, sometimes sow, and likewise 

sometimes reap 
The harvest of their acts, let them be good or bad, 

• their secret purposes intent ; 
What has been sown to cause this holocaust of blood 

and sorrow, making millions weep? 
And why should we, a peaceful people, to help curb 

the passions of our fellowmen be sent? 
Ours not to judge, but help to stop the awful carnage 

ere it is too late. 
Why, is His plan, zvhen, is His time, we to His holy 

mandate bow. 
Praying that in the curbing our own act shall justice 

be, not hate ; 
Hoping the time will hasten the end of every war, — 

and now 
We make an inventory of all our strength, with which 

we can apply. 
To stop this earthquake of the passions of our fellow- 
men, and why. 

In all our nation's history there has never been a 

time requiring all our best 
With greater need than now, of brain, and brawn, 

of courage, economy and care. 
Discretion, industry from day to day, forbearance, 

patience with all the rest 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 55 

To bear what comes to us, through stormy skies and 

fair. 
We have a foe to meet, astute and brave, with years 

of preparation for the fray, 
While nearly all our thoughts have been of peace, — 

this right we claim is given 
So as to make the most we can of this our land, land 

of the free today. 
But which in jeopardy must be, while monarchs order 

boundaries riven. 
And so in consecration to the task, with all our 

powers, and all of our might, 
We go across the waves to plant our flag, emblem of 

freedom, justice, and the right. 



^ Why is the attitude of Saginaw toward the Sag- 
inaw river like the U. S. toward Germany? Ans. — 
Because she has taken a lot of dirt from her, and 
thinks it is now time for a thorough cleanup with her. 




56 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

TWENTIETH CENTURY EFFICIENCY 

MUCH has been said — not only in America, but 
all over the world — the last three years, about 
each country's various systems of efficiency. Ger- 
many, in the early stage of the great European war, 
had much to say about her's, and also what she 
termed her "Kultur,** and one member of the Reich- 
tag said openly, **the time had come when it should 
dominate the world." (This, I take it, was her ex- 
cuse for trying to force it upon the world.) Later, 
when the United States entered into the struggle and 
made the issue clean-cut and clear, as a fight betv/een 
Autocracy and its methods, and Democracy and its 
methods, Germany said through her statesmen and 
her press, **they claimed the right to regulate their 
own internal affairs, and say without interference 
from any outside nation, what form of government 
should be theirs." If only her own people were af- 
fected by the form of government that controlled 
their destinies and desires, and her people acquiesced 
freely in the present autocratic control, then her 
ground would be well taken, and we could only 
rightfully fight the issue out with her on the grounds 
of wanton aggression, broken faith, and violation 
of international rights, punishing her, if possible, and 
compelling her to make restitution for the wanton 
destruction of lives and property of our citizens ; or, 
accept defeat at her hands, becoming another illus- 
tration that * 'might makes right." 

We who have never studied her language, nor set 
foot on her soil, can only analyze Germany's govern- 
mental efficiency by what we read, hear, and see 
from afar. No thinking person who has followed 
the progress of the war, can not help but admit that 
Germany has shown to the world the most efficient 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 57 



military machine that has ever existed. And if the 
results and effects of this machine is an example of 
the character of the efficiency of the German govern- 
ment — which v^e believe it is, — then v^e have good 
grounds for claiming that that autocratic govern- 
ment is a menace to human rights and liberty, and 
is destructive, cruel and heartless in all its workings, 
and a foe to be exterminated, else human liberty and 
social equality again is to become a dream of vision- 
aries, as autocrats have always designated such be- 
lievers. Efficient Germany has been and still is. 
Her scholars have added to the world the product 
of their thought and reasonings. Her scientists have 
added to the world the results of years of careful 
research. Her musicians and her artists have done 
their share to please the ears and delight the eyes 
of the world. All these things for the world's good. 
Then comes this dragon of military power, in all its 
awful hideousness — the product of this autocratic 
government, and launched by it — to destroy the 
good things the world has produced. Efficient? Yes, 
efficient Germany is, in destroying cities, fields and 
peoples of weaker nations, and taking the lives of 
non-combatants wantonly; efficient in intrigues, de- 
ception, and a spy system, that in its scope was to 
take in and help conquer the whole world ; efficient 
in what she terms "diplomacy," that linked her 
hands with Mahommedan Turkey and acquiesced in 
the wholesale destruction of Christian Armenians; 
efficient in spreading her propaganda of deception 
in every nation opposing her methods; in the re- 
iteration of the blasphemous utterances of the head 
of that government, "that God has been with them in 
all their efforts." When we compare the efficiency 
of this assassin of human rights with that of our own 
government, that from its earliest inception to the 



58 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

present, has put right in the forefront of all our 
national efforts, we feel better satisfied with our 
"inefficiency,'* our "spinelessness," our "dollar wor- 
shiping," and some of the other things this "God- 
given" (?) autocratic aggregation have attributed 
to us as a people, feeling that when the final com- 
parisons and adjustments are made, our nation's 
emblem, the grand old Stars and Stripes, will not 
only stand for human liberty within our borders, but 
for "the brotherhood of man" all over the world. 

For— 
'Tis the last great struggle between war and peace. 
Elimination of the false idea, that so far in world's 
history has held a place supreme, that might 
makes right, and, when o'erpowered by the for- 
mer, the latter has to cease. 
Discarding another false idea, that some are born to 

rule their f ellowmen, 
Regardless of their wishes, or their rights, or those 

of others; 
Rulers forgetting in their "God-given" (?) com- 
placency 
That these same ones are brothers. 

Why should we in this great holocaust have a part to 

take? 
That is not for us to say, a higher power has spoken. 
And spoken with plain sounds; 
The only thing for us to do is meet the issue, as it 

were, on its own grounds; 
And m.eet it like the men we are, with all our 

strength and might. 
For these our friends and brothers ; 
For if we don't, our stewardship of liberty and right 
May be declared all vain, and given unto others. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 59 

THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER 

As interpreted by Emperor William of Germany. 

^^TTHE world is my oyster," is a pure Yankee 

1 phrase, 
That used to be quoted — but not much these days; 
The one who first used it I don't think is known — 
It might have been he who said, 'T\\ go it alone." 
The meaning, I take it, is, I'll open it neatly. 
And show up its contents, perhaps use them com- 
pletely; 
Just how, or why, was not explained to the letter, 
*'The world is my oyster," so I don't think I'd better. 

Advice to the Emperor to read and profit by history. 

Alexander the Great was a warrior, effective and 

bold. 
And the above phrase believed, and thought he did 

hold 
In his hands the power to open it all. 
For himself and his minions, the great and the small. 
Napoleon, too, had the same dream of world-power — 
'Tis said, he, when small, watched spiders spin webs 

by the hour. 
From rock-ribbed St. Helena he had time to reflect. 
Thinking how things terminate different than we 

often expect. 

Facts for all to think of. 

The real oyster opener, methinks, is the one 
That reads in world's resources what can be done 
For all, from the powers that from many are hid. 
Until nature's students, to come forth, do they bid. 



60 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



IIIIIIIIIIIIIUIJIIIIIII 



The printing press, steam engine, telegraph, and the 

'phone. 
And other great wonders, that in all lines have been 

done. 
The teachings of truth, "We are born free and 

equal," 
Will be the meat of the emperor's oyster — his sequel. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 61 



BACHELOR^S WASHING AND IRONING 

DAY 

IT'S washing day, I'm at the tub — or will be soon, 
I mean ; 
Men's clothes are very hard to rub, — that is, if they 

look clean 
After you get them on the line, or dried and brought 

into the house ; 
So I shall rub them for a time, my towels, shirts, my 

socks, and blouse, 
And sundry other things I own, to use inside and out 

the door. 
So if while rubbing, dirt is shown, I'll simply grit my 

teeth, and rub some more. 

After my clothes are dry, I bring them in the house 
And look them o'er to see if everything is there, 
My towels, socks and shirts, bedclothes, handker- 
chiefs, and blouse; 
Then when I find them right, I hang them 'round the 

fire to air. 
When then my needs arise to use them each, alack ! 
I take the wrinkles out across a board, or iron them 
on my back. 




62 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

MAKING MORE DAYLIGHT 

a lOHN," said my wife, one evening in May, 1917, 

J as she looked up from the paper she was read- 
ing, while I sat smoking my old corncob pipe by the 
kitchen stove, "this ^making more daylight' plan 
seems to be taking people by storm. It must be a 
great plan to help out in this our nation's time of 
need." 

"I vum, Jerusha, I'm sorry I ever married ye if 
you haven't any more sense than to be took in by that 
tom-fool idea," I said. "Why a twelve-year-old 
child, or a person half-baked, ought to know better 
than to think — " 

"Hold right up, John Korntossel," said she, "you 
have gone far enough with your derogatory personal 
allusions. If you aren't satisfied with the quality of 
my thoughts and cooking, you can get both where 
they suit you better." 

"I beg your pardon, Jerusha," says I, thinking of 
what a dum good cook she was, and how accustomed 
my stomach had got to be to the same, and knowing 
when the danger signals began to fly so fast and furi- 
ous it was time to qualify or there would be storm in 
our sky, and I knew from past experience who got 
cleared out when such came, for it had long been an 
undisputed fact for a long time, that she held the 
undisputed title in our family of being the better 
half in fact as well as name. I simply let my dis- 
gust at the foolishness of the idea roil me over. "Of 
course, you don't believe in such a nonsensical plan, 
any more than I do." 

"Well, now, John," says she, somewhat mollified, 
but still hostile, "I don't know but what this idea is 
a good one. Here are the names of some of our most 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 63 

prominent citizens indorsing the plan, and urging 
its adoption." 

^'Prominent citizens!" I snorted. "I don't care if 
the President himself indorsed the plan; the plan 
would still be foolish. Why, wife, how would turn- 
ing the clocks ahead one hour make one minute more 
time in the twenty-four hours in each day, or in the 
daylight that nature provides in the division of that 
twenty-four hours?" 

"But, John, you have been talking all along that 
you believed the task of feeding the people of the 
world the coming year was a great one requiring the 
best efforts of everyone." 

"Yes," I said, "I have, and still think so ; but turn- 
ing clocks ahead won't do it. What the people of 
this and all other countries should realize is, this 
world needs at the present, and for a long time to 
come, the very best effort of every one every minute 
of their timxe, in the avocation they now occupy, and 
if not needed in that, taking hold somewhere else, 
but doing their best wherever they are." 

"But, John, wouldn't that disarrange the present 
order of things? For instance, the hours fixed by the 
labor unions for their members to work, etc." 

"Suppose it would, " I answered. "If they aren't 
patriotic enough to stand a little disarrangement, let 
them pay $15.00 per barrel for flour, $8.00 per bushel 
for beans, $2.00 per bushel for potatoes, and every- 
thing else accordingly. It'll serve 'em right. How 
many hours do we and others put in raising them? 
Twelve, at least, and just as hard as their's, and if 
they can't change their eight-hour schedule to meet 
the existing conditions and help increase the output 
of the products of our country, why, I say, let 'em 
stick to their hard and fast rules and pay accord- 
ingly. There is neighbor Cooper, up at four o'clock 



64 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

every morning, and hard at it until dark, working 
hard every minute — even at the table. Why 
shouldn't he have just as good pay for every hour of 
his time as they for their's?" 

''But, John, their's is skilled labor." 

*'So is a farmer's. Let some of these skilled labor 
fellers try it, and nine out of ten would make a fail- 
ure of it.'' 

"Well, John, how would you fix things so as to in- 
crease production?" 

"Well, wife, as we were talking of labor unions 
last, I'll take them first. If I was a member I would 
offer a resolution suspending all rules curtailing the 
time for members to work daily, and allowing each 
to work at other work, if their own was not sufficient 
to keep them busy, until after this war was over. In 
fact, I'd make the world the field for their efforts, let 
them be physical or mental ; and their ability to stand 
the strain, the hour limit. Second, I'd have the chil- 
dren taught that every minute was precious, and not 
to be wasted. That even their playtime was a prep- 
aration for future usefulness. Third, I would ask 
these making-more-daylight advocates to set an ex- 
ample by staying home nights, getting up early, and 
taking right hold themselves and doing some of the 
things they advocate, and I'll bet four cents there 
would be a stir in the field of industry long to be re- 
membered." 



# 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 65 

ODE 

DESCRIBING MY ROOMS IN CLARE COUNTY, 
MICHIGAN 

DEAR Sister, I promised to write you a letter 
Describing my rooms, so I thought I had better 
Reel it off here tonight, if I don't, in a doze, 
Get the thing all mixed up ; so here's how it goes. 

It's a humly old room, and there's humly things in it: 
Which you wouldn't doubt for half a minute 
If you saw it, or heard it, or heard as I do ; 
I'll picture it now, and I'll picture it true. 

It's ten feet in wudth, and thirty feet long ; 
The plaster in places is pretty well gone ; 
It's sides and it's ends are covered with pictures. 
That sometimes make me smile, as well as the fix- 
tures. 

There's a border around it, called **Bringing up Fa- 
ther," 
And scattered around is one thing or another ; 
The bottom is called an old maple floor, 
That slopes to the south three inches or more. 

There's a stove at each end — one heater, one 

cooker — 
And neither of them a very good looker. 
The table's between, and a little one side, 
That's where I eats pancakes, to fill out my hide. 



66 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

The roof it slopes up, and the floor, as I spoke ; 
My fuel is plenty, old pine roots and oak ; 
But it's no joke to cut it when the old axe is dull ; 
And when alone, the old grindstone won't turn at all. 

My stoves they both leak when the stove-pipe gets 

clogged ; 
Then the air in the room, with temper and smoke gets 

befogged ; 
The smoke mixed with dirt makes a very good paint, 
But not for my temper, because I'm no saint. 

The bedroom lies next this, and is ten feet by ten ; 
With bottom and top, the same's the other, and then 
This room is not as warm, the walls have no pictures. 
But hung 'round with clothes, there's a bed for the 
fixtures. 

The north side is covered with paper, unrolled. 
Which keeps out the light, and part of the cold. 
There's a humly old bedstead, and humly old covers — 
But the way I stick to them, you'd think we were 
lovers. 

Now, Ida, I've pictured it true, just as true as I could. 
And I want you and Will to come up, if you would ; 
Don't come alone, but bring Metta and Rob, 
And Mother, and Frank, and I don't care if a dog. 

And we'll have a good time a-visitin' and chattin' ; 
We boys'll smoke, while you girls knit your tattin'. 
You girls can sleep in the house — there's plenty of 

floors — 
And we boys in the barn — unless Wilbur snores. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 67 

It's a humly old room, and there's humly things in it ; 
Which you wouldn't doubt for half of a minute. 
The latch-string is out; there's no lock on the door; 
Come up and see it, and then come some more. 

There's a much smaller room, it is six feet by two. 
That I must soon occupy, if my feelings are true ; 
If this were the end of all, what would be the use 

livin'? 
Of struggling, and all of your heart-throbs a-givin' ? 

I will sleep here, at rest from life's care and toil. 
Until the last trump, which won't seem no time at all ; 
But I read in His Word there's a much brighter room, 
And His latch-string is out. He invites all to come. 

Matt. 11:28; 16:27; 18:14; 24:46, 47; John 
14:2, 3 ; Rev. 21:2, 3, 4; 22:14. 

fl Why is the attitude of Germany toward San Fran- 
cisco like the suitor of a girl with a rich father? 
Ans. — Because he admires her, and because her dad 
has the Golden Gate, he wants her for his own. 

^ What is Uncle Sam's toward Germany? Ans. — 
He is simply going to kick him out that gate when he 
comes after her. 



68 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



COMMON SENSE 

COMMON, or horse sense, is one of the rarest 
things on earth, on account of its requiring the 
best of soil and culture to raise it. (This is no slur 
against the common people of Germany.) It is more 
common among common people than among the 
elite, on account of the aforesaid soil and culture, and 
the fact that the glare of high society many times 
scorches the life out of it, — as it does many other 
good things. To raise a good crop of common sense, 
good seed should be used, and planted early, so as to 
have the full season to mature in. As soon as the 
first sprouts appear, the culturing should begin. 
(Sometimes sprouts are used in the culturing.) 
Some kinds of pride will kill out the best stand of 
common sense in existence, viz. : Pride in belonging 
to the aforesaid high society, the glare of whose spot- 
light is almost sure to be fatal. People in high so- 
ciety are not to be blamed — only for getting there — 
for once there, their association and surroundings 
are all against it. Pride in thinking that because 
you belong to some popular secret order, or church, 
makes you a better man or woman than living a sim- 
ple life of integrity and honor. Pride in dressing 
better than your means will allow, or cutting a big 
swath in any way beyond your circumstances. There 
are other kinds of pride that helps the crop, viz. : 
Pride in the fact you were born just where you were, 
when you were, and of the honest humble parents 
you were, and never being ashamed of them on ac- 
count of their poverty, avocation, or looks. Pride in 
the fact you had to live just as you did — even if at 
the time it sometimes ground to do the living that 
way. Pride in your country, the good old U. S. A., 
that has enabled you to live your life as God intended 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 69 

you should, unhampered by the orders of emperors 
or kings, or any of their underlings, who never have 
or will earn the pensions given them. Pride in your 
flag, the grand old Stars and Stripes, that represents 
the very height of liberty — that giving every citizen 
equal rights; the very depth of national charity — 
that takes in all the v^orld ; the very breadth of love 
and hope — that which looks upon the people of 
other nations, not as foes to be conquered, but as 
brothers to be helped to enjoy the same blessings we 
en j oy — self-government. 




70 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

POTATOES ARENT EASY TO RAISE 

OF THE crops of fine vegetables the farmer now 
raises, 
To help feed the people, the "spud" is the king; 
The Irish, believing in "home rule,'' still praises 

It's royal old qualities, that happiness brings 
To his home, when the bin in his cellar is filled 

With smooth, sand-grown tubers, — of course, it's 
unusual — 
So that he from the grocer does not have to have 
billed 
This succulent tuber, by the peck or half bushel. 

To raise this fine tuber is a different question 

Than filling the bin when your pocketbook's snug; 
Requiring the best of soil, seed, hard work and atten- 
tion, 

From the time they are planted until they are dug. 
Of tillage, most often and thorough must be given ; 

Destruction of beetles, both hard-shells and slugs ; 
The scab, and the blight, must by mixtures be driven. 

Or they will destroy them, as well as the bugs. 

Now I come to a part of the verse in my rhyming, 

That perhaps to the buyer will strike a harsh 
chord ; 
I assert that to raise and to dig them takes priming 

Of will and of muscle, so you each should afford 
To pay to the grower all his efforts should warrant, 

At wages as high as the best in the land ; 
For 'tween heat and the bugs, and labor most arrant, 

Potatoes aren't easy to raise, even in sand. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 71 



Oats, wheat, corn, and rye, all are bringing high 
prices, 
Because they are staples, and great the demand : 
Why shouldn't the "spud" also have its fair rises 
In price? As it constantly needs to be kept upon 
hand. 
So, buyers, take heed, and be fair to the grower, 
Remember their labor through the hot summer 
days; 
Kindly pay them a dollar, — don't try to buy lower — 
For, even in sand, potatoes aren't easy to raise. 




72 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

SUNDAYS 

SUNDAY is the name of a day of the week on 
which common people are supposed to rest, and 
street car companies, moving picture shows, gasoline 
stations, and some other places do their largest busi- 
ness. If you belong to the first-mentioned, and own 
an automobile or a dog and gun, you are supposed 
to be exempt. It was originally — when days went 
by number — number seven; but somehow, by the 
progress of time, and measuring the same, became 
number one. We guess on account of its quality. 
There is another kind of Sunday — a man — the 
Reverend William, who was once a ball-player, and 
is said to have made some home runs, but who is now 
engaged in the more strenuous game of helping chase 
the Devil off the earth. He uses his voice in this 
game more strenuously than he did his legs in the 
other. He is the only preacher I have ever read of 
who has to have his throat massaged after his ser- 
mons, and when I read some of them I don't wonder 
he has to have something done for it. I would sug- 
gest, as a change, bandages soaked in sweet oil, or 
pouring cold water on some of his language. In our 
fight to help our fellow-topers on the water-wagon 
here in Michigan, in the fall of 1916, he is said to 
have done considerable to help us adopt the plan of 
abolishing those spawning-places of the devil — the 
saloons; and for such service we are willing to for- 
give his teachers for some of his language lessons. 
During this campaign he closed his sermon on 
"Booze,'' at Flint, by saying, *'Give 'em h — 1, boys, 
next Tuesday!" (Nov. 7th). And when I read the 
result of the election I realized his hearers had read 
or heard another passage of Scripture, where it says : 
"Give full measure, pressed down and running over." 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 73 

Although an entire stranger to the Rev. William, I 
believe if I had then met him, I should have chanced 
slapping him on the back and saying, "We did. Bill, 
v^^e did !/' 

There is another kind, spelled "sundse." It is used 
principally by young men to treat their best girls to, 
or some other fellow's if he can catch him off his 
guard. This kind is very mild compared to the 
others, but is very effective in the preliminary skir- 
mishing that precedes matrimony, but which is usu- 
ally entirely discarded after this takes place. 




i/T^ 



74 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



OUT THE WAY 

OUT the way ! cried the urchin on the slide, 
As on his sled he started down the hill to glide ; 
Coasters all gave the usual course — that did not him 

satisfy, 
But in the crowd he steered his sled and raised a 

fearful cry. 
Several champions of their rights did then at once 

appear, 
And when subdued, bedraggled he, their champions 

they did cheer. 
Crest-fallen, clothes torn, he homeward went his 

way. 
Deciding, in the future, only fair was best to play. 

Out the way ! a young man said, as in business he to 

fill. 
He started in the shekels all, to gather in his till ; 
A veteran said. The upstart I'll now take into my 

hand, 
Show him his place; see whether he is filled with 

wind or sand. 
Sorry he had started all to explioit in business, for 

alas! 
The young man "a cropper" to the veteran did pass; 
And when it all was over but the shouting, he did say, 
A fair game in the future is the only one I'll play. 

Out the way! the "road-hog" cried, back from the 

car ahead. 
Into one where seven grips he'd left, piled in and 

overhead, 
And found it occupied by a young man and his wife. 
Excuse me for the slang, sir; but I say, **Not on your 

life." 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 75 



The brawny "roadhog" then reached o'er, the other 

to eject, 
But found an athlete waiting — something he did not 

expect; 
And when with limping gait, he retired with grips 

and all, 
Decided, in the future, one seat for him was none too 

small. 

Out the way! the worldhog Kaiser cried, as he the 

button pressed. 
And launched his hurricane of military might — such 

as no one had guessed ; 
Thinking that its momentum, and the terror he would 

spread. 
Would soon entrench him as world-ruler. But gladly 

be it said, 
He underestimated the courage of the little Belgian 

nation. 
Who, be it truly said, tho* small, could fight like all 

tarnation ; 
And did, until the powers could their strength 

against him be arrayed. 
And by they, and our Uncle Sam, will thoroughly be 

flayed. 



w 



76 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



SAND 



THE Germans say the Yankees haven't any sand, 
To meet them in a battle on sea or on the land ; 
That they haven't any spines at all, but just like jelly- 
fish, 
But that they hadn't said this, we're going to make 
them wish. 

Chorus. 

Sand, sand, sand, the Germans say we need ; 
And spines, good spines to help us in our speed ; 
But if they think the latter is what the Yankees lack, 
They'll have to overturn us to put one in our back. 

The Hohenzollerns think they are rulers from above. 
But disregard the Golden Rule, the one we Yankees 

love. 
So we have got to make them common for awhile, 
And work along with common folks, and see if they 

can smile. — Chorus. 

We haven't any grudge against the German rank and 

file. 
Except a sticking to, and keeping up, such a rotten 

pile 
As this here Hohenzollern fad, and all it means to 

them. 
Instead of putting skids under 'em., and making 'em 

common men. — Chorus. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 77 

So we have got to demonstrate, to these our fellow- 
men, 

It's neither sand or spines we lack, while running 
right toward them ; 

And then when we have caught them they'll find, to 
their surprise. 

It isn't hate but love for right a-shining in our eyes. — 
Chorus. 




78 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS 

GATHERED around the fireside, while outside 'tis 
cold and clear, 
We laugh and chat in comfort, and roast these daint- 
ies here ; 
With needles and sticks we impale them, and roast 

to a rusty brown, 
Marshmallow roasting in winter time is the most 
charming game in town. 

Father, mother, and cousins, sisters, and brother, too. 
All enjoy this sweetest of games, — socially we are 

true. 
You can talk of your shows, your dances gay, that 

occur all over town. 
But the marshmallow game is good enough, if you 

roast until they're brown. 



H^Jirfe^ 






ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 79 

SELF-PRESERVATION 

THAT ''Self-preservation is the first law of nature," 
is a saying as nearly as "old as the hills." And 
has been demonstrated so many times it is almost 
universally believed. Using this as a basis for our 
reasoning, we go back in our imagination to the age 
when prehistoric man occupied the surface of the 
earth, and derived his sustenance therefrom. The 
Troglodite, no doubt, had his problems, the same as 
we have ours today. And one of his, undoubtedly, 
was the providing food, shelter and such clothing as 
seemed necessary for himself and family. Thus far 
our problems are the same as his were then. From 
our viewpoint, his must have been a large one, handi- 
capped as he must have been by the lack of the many 
aids we now possess, in the solution of that problem 
for ourselves. When he, with his "big stick," went 
out with it to secure his breakfast, dinner, or supper, 
as the case might be, his caution must be of the great- 
est, that he scare not the game he must kill with his 
primitive weapon ; his skill and cunning must be ex- 
ercised to their fullest, until his blow falls, sure and 
deadly, and he reaps from the same, necessary sus- 
tenance and comfort for he and his. 

If a tiller of the soil, his methods must have been 
of the crudest, and the returns small, for the labor 
applied to secure returns from the same. His life 
must have been simple indeed, and, therefore, his 
necessities very limited also. But what they were 
must have required hard toil or patient vigil to se- 
cure. I can imagine that as he learned by experience 
and practice to secure these results more easily, the 
jealousy and envy of his brother cave-dweller was 
many times aroused and arrayed against him. Then 
came the combat for supremacy and domination be- 



80 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

tween the two; and then, when the contest was de- 
cided, methinks the defeated one, if surviving, re- 
sorted to diplomacy, securing the aid of some friend 
to help him regain his own, and when regained, 
levied tribute or vengeance against his former con- 
queror. Thus society must have been formed and 
gradually developed, until nations were born, and 
the contests between peoples involved vast numbers 
of individuals, citizens of the nations in conflict. 

History then takes up the record of these conflicts, 
and from it we are enabled to knov/ some of the issues 
that caused these clashes of strength. And nearly 
all these can be traced to two or three causes. Clear 
to me, as the main cause of conflict, is the desire to 
secure for themselves the product of the other man's 
efforts, making his own life easier and more pleasure- 
able, and therefore (as he reasons wrongly), a con- 
dition to be desired. Second, the lust for power that 
seems to be born in humanity, falsely thinking that 
if they can hold a commanding position over their 
fellows they v/ili be thought more of and, therefore, 
be happier. Third, the struggle to regain or preserve 
their heaven-born liberties and rights that they have 
been deprived of. This last being the only justifiable 
grounds for deadly warfare; as usually that is the 
only way they can be regained, and then should only 
be entered upon as a last resort. 

The first was, for many centuries, only gained by 
physical strife, and was usually waged by nations 
one against the other, the rulers of the conquering 
powers parceling out the benefits of such conquests 
to their subjects as they saw fit, reserving to them- 
selves the **lion's share" of the benefits derived. As 
the world advanced in civilization ( ? ) men saw they 
did not have to go to war to secure these advantages. 
That by controlling a certain product in universal 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 81 

demand, they could levy their tribute legally and 
hold a more powerful position than if they secured 
wealth and position by conquest. That they could 
levy this form of tribute upon citizens of their coun- 
try, many times against their own friends and neigh- 
bors. 

To show that either way is wrong, I make the 
following abstract analysis of my theorem. Going 
back to man in his original, primitive condition, he 
could acquire but little wealth, as there was but little 
in the world at that time, for in its original location 
or position it could not be utilized by him, and was 
therefore valueless. But by his applied ideas and ef- 
forts, the things God gave for man's use were, by his 
efforts, made of value (that is, useful). That ac- 
cumulation of value — made by human effort — has 
reached a volume that is so stupendous — in fact al- 
most beyond the comprehension of man — that any 
slight deflection of this form of tribute is so little felt 
that individuals affected by these evils make no pro- 
test, until they have assumed volume and power so 
great it is forced upon them, and they find their 
strength so great it is next to impossible to stop them. 
We have unquestionably reached the stage of this 
concentration of v/ealth, that self-preservation makes 
it imperative for a quick solution of the problem, in 
some lines, or an actual loss of human life will be the 
result. No law-abiding citizen but what insists that 
this solution shall be absolutely legal in every way — 
any other being not only obnoxious to him, but even 
dangerous to himself and others. I have in mind in 
this contention that I make, that the fuel problem is 
at present the foremost and most acute one there is 
before the American people today. Who is there 
who can for an instant believe that the coal barons 
have made the wealth they control? That they are 



82 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

exercising their "stewardship" over this necessity of 
life that will stand the searchlight of justice, hon- 
esty, and right? Are the present conditions to go on 
to the point that human beings will lose their lives, 
helpless in the grasp of a situation they have not 
made themselves, and powerless to change, as long 
as handled by private ownership, for their aggrand- 
izement, as far as will be allowed, with no seeming 
limit to their avarice and mercy? These are ques- 
tions that must be settled quickly, and rightly, in the 
near future, or the lives of many, here in our own 
fair land, will be upon our own heads, for we have 
been given the stewardship of freedom and right 
ourselves, and if we make no effort to change the 
present conditions, and change them permanently, 
then, methinks, that stewardship will be considered 
a mockery and taken from us. 

Our present relations with Germany would prob- 
ably come under heads two and three, for we as a 
nation have taken the position that her governmental 
lust for power, so clearly shown forth in this struggle, 
must be destroyed, or we shall be unable to preserve 
those liberties that were bought by the blood of our 
forefathers, and bequeathed to us as a heritage from 
them, to be fostered and protected even with our 
lives. Usurpation of our natural rights — as stated 
in the foregoing arraignment of the coal operators, 
and inferred against others — have not reached the 
point in our land but that correction can be made by 
the enforcement of just laws, the repeal of unjust 
ones, and the further enactment of necessary ones, 
based on the only principle that can correct — that 
of right to all. But the present menace to our liber- 
ties from German autocracy is upon us now to be 
crushed by our might, — the same as her's has been 
arraigned against us, and we believe is being ably 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 83 

conducted by our present administration. The Ger- 
man government has impugned all our assertions as 
to integrity of purposes and motives. Has rode 
rough-shod over every principle of right, mercy and 
justice, and must be conquered — and not only her 
great military menace, but others — forever chained 
or destroyed, or else we can but little hope of cor- 
recting the great evils that exist today in every na- 
tion on which the sun shines, and which must be set- 
tled — and that rightly, and without bloodshed — 
so that we can go forward to the complete fulfillment 
of our nation's destiny, or else our boasted champion- 
ship of liberty and right will be a farce and we can 
only pray. Oh, Lord, come quickly. 




84 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



iiiiiiriiiiii 



STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA 

SON of Columbia, you have given yourself 
For your country, the world and your brothers, 
'Tis for freedom, not self, not for conquest or pelf, 
Thy might is arraigned, to right wrongs done to 
others. 

Chorus. 

Strike ! Sons of Columbia, strike ! but thy flag never. 

With all of your resources, ev'ry one ev'ry hour, 
Show the foe we are patriots now and forever ; 

Strike hard and strike deep, show the world now 
thy power. 

Sons of Columbia, your brothers' blows do abate. 
Go quick to avenge friends beneath the dark 
waves. 

As your offer is great, your return we await, 

To honor your conduct, to shed tears over graves. 

Chorus. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 85 

WHAT^S IN A NAME? 

WHAT'S in a name ? First, letters ; 
Arranged to tell one from their equals, inferi- 
ors, or betters : 
To tell things apart; to help explain their creation; 
Regulate families, society, state, or a nation. 
The reasons for nam^es as they are is obscure ; 
Why don't they say catfish when describing a Boor? 
Or call a hen a cow, or a haystack a rat? 
A dog a stone-boat? or a crawfish a cat? 

Then why is one man Johnson and another O'Toole? 
One Garibaldi, one Pat Murphy and another one 

Brule? 
Why is one man a "genius, another a "knave" ? 
Why is one a "free man" and another a "slave"? 
These are questions we ask. You may ask, What's 

the use? 
A man's a man for all that, and a gander's a goose ; 
But this poem is writ to help answer the question 
Of "What's in a name?" so we make this suggestion. 

One thing in a name is fame, or a record of deeds ; 
This takes a lifetime to write if the first one succeeds 
To establish, of the latter, both evil and good are put 

down, 
And both can be written in the country or town. 
What is fame is to each as his viewpoint of life. 
Some selects for his one thing, as he selects his wife ; 
Each living his life, as his purposes show. 
Some for the hereafter, some for all here below. 



86 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 



This then's in a name, both evil and good, 

Written each day, and by Him understood ; 

Even our thoughts are on record, 'tis said in His 

Word. 
May your record be clean, not one blot on it blurred. 
That your lives may be clean, your friendships be 

many. 
Full measures of joy, little of sorrov/s, if any; 
Helpfulness, cheerfulness, faithfulness, love, 
We hope is recorded for your credit above. 




ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 87 



TRUE CONSERVATION 

OUR fuel and food administration 
Have had lots of advice from this one and that, 
About how they should do to secure conservation ; 
Like promiscuous advice, some is good and some 
flat. 

Poor advice can easily be thrown in the discard, 

And good, if any, be taken for what it is worth. 
I present to "ye powers" these thoughts without re- 
gard. 
As an offer of "my bit" to help keep us on the 
earth. 

Necessity, they say, is the mother of inventions. 
And has helped move the world ahead more than 
once; 
Is this now the fact? or just world's conventions 
To be filled? Admitting the first, I may be a 
dunce. 

True economy is in spending our money wisely, 
For hoarding it surely can do no one good. 

This fact is no new one, so our leaders concisely 
Said it should be followed in the usage of food. 

Our soldiers are fed on the best — as they should — 
To make them all strong and give them the nerve. 

So why not the industrial army have food 

Just as nourishing, and plenty to help them con- 
serve? 



88 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 

Deficients, cripples, and old men are left here at 
home. 
But are asked to feed themselves, the soldiers and 
others. 
"Food will win the war," you will find where you 
roam, 
They ask us to conserve it at home and give to our 
brothers. 

Waste is a sin in such times as we have now. 

Item one in true conservation is to stop all of that. 
Let rich and poor buy only what they need, I avow, 

And if they're caught wasting, go without — and 
that's flat. 

Item two in our plan is use all of our strength 

To further production, and swell the world's need- 
ed supply. 

And to do this, good food on the table at length 
Is a necessary factor, so to curtail it, don't try. 

The third thing we suggest is, make everyone work 
If they're able — applying to rich, poor and cul- 
tured alike ; 
Don't save the "soft jobs" for the rich or those who 
do shirk. 
But give those to the cripples, and females, and 
make the rest "hike." 

We have mentioned food problems, and now will 
take fuel. 
Civilians and soldiers must be warmed as well as 
fed. 
We have shivered this winter, and lived upon gruel ; 
Shoveled snow for warmth, lived on "conserva- 
tion" until we're near dead. 



ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 89 

If private concerns, with all of their resources, 
Will not plan to provide the public with warm 
hearth, 
We would change the conditions — own the mines, 
carrier courses; 
Put in practice true conservation; conserve to all 
this part of the earth. 

And so, Mr. Garfield, Mr. Hoover and all, 

We give these suggestions for what they are worth. 

Let your staff consider the great and the small. 
That civilians as well as soldiers must be kept upon 
earth. 



^ Integrity is humanity's largest asset, for without it 
any soul is indeed bankrupt. 



<4^. 



^ Many souls are so dead already we doubt the 
resurrection awakening them without especial effort. 



CI The Scriptural saying, ''Now we see as through a 
glass darkly, then we shall know as face to face," 
can be applied to the coal situation of the United 
States two years ago and this present winter of 1918. 



FINIS. 



TRUE AMERICANISM 

Patriotic Play 



CHARACTERS. 

John Korntossel — Farmer, in typical farmer's garb. 

Jerusha Korntossel — John's wife, in typical house- 
wife's garb. 

Frank Korntossel — Their son, in khaki. 

Kate Korntossel — Their daughter, in either Red 
Cross or nurse's uniform. 

Alf Littlejohn — A farmer friend of John's, also in 
farmer's garb. 

Susan Littlejohn — Alf's wife, in housewife's garb. 

Henry Littlejohn — Their son, in khaki.. 

Ruth Littlejohn — Their daughter, in either Red Cross 
or nurse's uniform. 



Act I — Conundrums and Farm Philosophy. 

SCENE FIRST. — Kitchen at the home of John and 
Jerusha Korntossel. John reading the newspaper ; 
Jerusha knitting, and Frank and Kate playing 
checkers. A knock at the door. John goes to 
answer it. Admits and greets his neighbor Alf. 

John — Good evening, Alf. Come right in. Take 
a chair, and help yourself to the apples and cider. 

Alf — Good evening, John. Fine weather. Good 
evening Jurusha; I see you're at Red Cross work. 



same as Susan. Good evening, young folks; I see 
there's a battle on; who's the champion? 

Jerusha — Good evening, Alf. Hov^ is Susan? Yes, 
I'm trying to do "my bit" the same as the rest, and 
v^ish it could be a bigger one, too. 

Frank — Good evening, Alf; Kate thinks she's 
some checker-player sometimes. What's Henry driv- 
ing at? Wish he and Ruth had come v^ith you. 

Kate — Good evening. Uncle Alf. Frank says he 
wished Henry and Ruth had come with you. You 
want to watch out or you'll lose Ruth some day. 
Frank's got his eye on her. 

Frank — I ain't the only one making eyes, Uncle 
Alf. Watch Kate. 

Alf — I brought your magazines home, John (hand- 
ing them to him and selecting an apple and peeling 
it). 

John — How did you like 'em, Alf? 

Alf — Fine! they're great! One page, headed 
"Sense and Nonsense," made me laugh fit to kill ; but 
I couldn't see any difference in 'em. 

John — Your lack of discrimination, Alf; you're 
the same about your politics. (In an aside to the 
audience:) He's a socialist. 

Alf — Well, what is the difference? 

John — V/hy, sense is where you say something, 
even if you don't talk much ; and nonsense is where 
you don't say anything, however much you talk. 

Alf — The conundrum part I took to better; some 
of 'em was pretty near as good as I could make my- 
self. 

John — Huh! You couldn't make a conundrum, 
Alf, if you had a good set of tools to do it with. 

Alf — I'll show you. Why is your head like a 
strainer? 



John — That's easy. Because it helps to make 
things clear that passes through it. 

Alf — Ha! ha! (slapping his leg) I thought I'd 
get a raise out of that big bump of yours this time, 
Ha! ha! 

John — You seem so sure I'm **it" on this conun- 
drum game of yours, Alf, kindly shoot your answer. 

Alf — Well, sir, the reason your head is like a 
strainer is the simplest thing in the world. When 
either one works at all, they simply have to strain. 

John sits gasping and rubbing his chin in extreme 
uneasiness and embarrassment; then picks up the 
newspaper and glances therein. 

Kate — There! I beat you fair that time, Frank 
Korntossel. You see, kings do amount to something 
sometimes, don't you? 

John — How long would it take you to make 
$476,000, Alf? 

Alf — Stop such fool questions, John. If we were 
placed back to Methuselah's time, a farmer wouldn't 
live long enough to make that amount. What are 
you driving at? 

John — I just read as you came, of a banker by the 
name of Baruch, who made that much in six days. 
How do you suppose he made it? 

Alf — There's a quite a difference between making 
and getting wealth. This man might have got that 
amount in that time ; some men in this country get 
even more than that in six days. 

John — You say. There's quite a difference between 
making and getting. What do you call making 
wealth, Alf? 

Alf — My idea is simply this: All wealth is the 
product of human effort, either physical or mental. 
That the natural resources — those God placed on 



and in the earth for man's use — are valueless until 
human effort is applied to them and they are changed 
from their original form or location, to one where 
man can utilize and enjoy them. This process I call 
making wealth. 

John — According to your interpretation of making 
money there must be quite a list of men in this coun- 
try who have not made the wealth they possess. 

Alf — Right you are, John. That list has been 
growing altogether too fast, and is now altogether 
too long. 

John — Well, what do you call getting wealth? 

Alf — Possessing it, regardless of whether one has 
earned it or not. 

John— This part of your doctrine sounds reason- 
able, but I don't believe in this dividing up business. 

Alf — Neither do I. I only want what belongs to 
me, and want others to have just what belongs to 
them. That's why I believe in licking the Germans 
thoroughly. 

Kate — Hold on there, Frank Korntossel; it's my 
move. There; I've got another king. Crown him. 

Frank — H'm. You ain't like Dad, Kate ; he don't 
believe in kings. 

Alf — Well, I must be going. But can't the young 
folks sing something? 

Jerusha — Yes. Children, sing that song you 
bought yesterday, Frank. 

They sing, "Strike, Sons of Columbia," with ac- 
companiment. For encore, "We are Sons of Old 
Columbia," all marching, with Jerusha out of step. 
(This can be varied by some humorous burlesque as 
all leave the stage.) 



SCENE TWO. — Same place and setting as in Scene 1. 
Jerusha reading the paper and John smoking a 
corn-cob pipe. Frank and Kate still playing 
checkers. 

Jerusha — John, this "making more daylight" plan 
seems to be taking people by storm. It must be a 
great plan to help out in this our nation's time of 
need. 

John — I vum, Jerusha, Vm sorry I ever married 
ye, if ye haven't any more sense than to be took in 
by that tom-fool idea. Why a twelve-year-old child 
or a person half-baked ought to know better than to 
think — 

Jerusha — Hold right up, John Korntossel, you 
have gone far enough with your derogatory personal 
allusions; if you ain't satisfied with the quality of 
my thoughts and cooking, you can get both where 
they suit you better. 

John — I vum, Jerusha, you're getting up on your 
high bosses again, ain't ye? But I beg your pardon, 
I didn't mean anything agin you; I simply let my dis- 
gust at the foolishness of the idea roil me over. Of 
course, you don't believe in such a nonsensical plan 
any more than I do. 

Jerusha — Well, now, I don't know but what this 
idea is a good one. Here are the names of some of 
our most prominent citizens indorsing the plan. 

John — Prominent citizens! I don't care if the 
President himself indorses it ; it would still be plumb 
foolish. Why wife, how would turning clocks ahead 
make one minute more time in the tv/enty-f our hours 
in each day? Or in the daylight nature provides in 
the division of that time ? 



Jerusha — But, John, you have been saying all 
along you thought the task of feeding the people of 
the world the coming year would be a great one. 

John — So I have, and still think so; but turning 
clocks ahead won't do it. What the people of the 
world need now — and for a long time to come — is 
the very best efforts of every one in the avocation 
they now occupy, and if not needed in that, taking 
hold somewhere else ; doing their best wherever they 
are. 

Frank— Dad, here's a song I bought for Kate that 
says different. We'll sing it. They sing, "Just Turn 
Your Clocks Ahead Today" (with accompaniment) ; 
for encore, *'We are Thinking While We Listen" 
(John and Jerusha waltzing toward the close, or at 
such part as to be most effective). 

Act II. — More Conundnims and Philosophy. 

SCENE ONE. — Alf 's sitting-room ; all the characters 
assembled. Alf and John with a dish of apples 
between them, Susan and Jerusha knitting, and 
the young people looking over photographs. 
John — Well, Alf, have you been reading up on 
your socialistic doctrine lately? 

Alf — My kind don't require much reading about, 
John, just thinking. "You may call my ideas what 
you will. I honestly think that some of the great 
evils that exist in this old U. S. A. have got to be 
eliminated; wrongs have got to be righted; justice 
has got to be the universal rule — not the exception — 
or we are in for a good-sized chunk of trouble, some- 
time — if our present one with Germany don't over- 
whelm us. 

John — Oh, you old calamity howler! Say, I've 
got a conundrum for you this time. 



Alf — All right, hurry up and get it off your gray 
matter before it sours and gives you the nightmare. 

John — Why is my head like your legs? 

Alf — Not because it arrives on time, that's sure. 

John — No ; it is because it will stand a lot of exer- 
cise — sometimes — before it gets to the (s) train, 

Frank — I've got the conundrum fever, too. Why 
is the attitude of Saginaw toward the Saginaw river 
like the United States toward Germany? 

(After thinking a little, all ask. Why?) 

Frank — Because in the past she has stood more 
dirt from her than she ought, and now has decided 
there shall be a thorough clean-up. 

Kate — Frank makes big conundrums, so I'll give 
him a little one. Why is he like some of the German 
shells? 

All (except Frank) — Why? 

Kate — Because they are both filled with gas. 

John — Well, Alf — to change the subject — what 
do you think of our prospects of victory over Ger- 
many? 

Alf — Why, we have simply got to whip them. 
They are wrong — and have been from the start. We 
are in the right, and have been from the beginning 
of the trouble. 

John — But don't you think the defection of Rus- 
sia, her chaotic condition and the benefit this con- 
dition and the prospect of Germany's control and in- 
fluence there, will not be a great help to her? 

Alf — Yes, — perhaps for a time, — but I have faith 
that there is enough intelligence, patriotism and love 
of true liberty in Russia to finally — with the help of 
the Allies — establish such there permanently. 

John — 1 hope so, Alf; but it looks like a hard 
struggle for us yet, sometimes. 



Alf — So it will be, I believe. But the longer the 
Germans hold out the more thoroughly will they be 
licked. Why, John, as the young folks sang the other 
night, *'We might better die in battle than to pay 
tribute to that old blasphemer, the Kaiser," or words 
to that effect. 

John — That was a great song. Can't the young 
folks sing again? Jerusha and I must go soon. 

All sing, with accompaniment, *The Bells of Free- 
dom.*' For encore, "Sand." 

SCENE SECOND.— Yankee Optimism. — Place same 
as last scene ; John and Jerusha absent. Alf smok- 
ing; Susan knitting and the young folks "spoon- 
ing." Henry takes an intermission at this and 
says: 

Henry — Well, Frank, we'll soon be in camp, train- 
ing to "swat the Kaiser." 

Frank — You bet! and the quicker I can get a 
crack at him and his minions, the better it will suit 
me. 

Ruth — But Fra — boys, think of the hardships, the 
dangers, those awful trenches, the shells, and the 
gas, and ail the cruel things the Huns will do to you. 
Henry — Oh, shucks! Ruth. We're used to gas 
here in America. These things are all part of the 
day's work for a soldier. There's not as much dan- 
ger at the front as in a munition factory, and thou- 
sands of girls are working in those. 

Frank — And even if there is some danger, you girls 
would have been ashamed of us and called us "slack- 
ers" if we had tried to be excused. 

Kate — But think. Hen — boys, of the lonesomeness 
when you get across, and do not have your home 
friends with you. Boo-hoo! (Crying.) 



Frank — Pshaw! Kate, I believe you are afraid 
some of those French girls will capture Henry and 
keep him for themselves. Come, don't be jealous. 
We intend to help pound a little sense into the Kai- 
ser's soldiers and be back here in six months after 
we get at them. 

Susan — Boys, although it nearly breaks my heart 
to see you go ; I'm proud of you nevertheless. Here's 
a book (handing each a small Bible) , I want you both 
to read and use its precepts for your daily guide, and 
I know you will both make an honorable record 
wherever you are. 

Henry — You bet we will, mother. 

Frank — You bet we will. Aunt Susan, or die try- 
ing. 

Alf — Frank, as Henry stays with you tonight, and 
John takes you both to the train in the morning, I 
want to add a word or two to what mother has said 
to ye. Do your whole duty, boys, wherever you are. 
Study and prepare for active military duty, thor- 
oughly — not for the honor you expect to reap from 
so doing — but that your efficiency, coupled with that 
of your comrades, will help to shorten this bloody 
struggle, and chain — forever — this dragon of the 
earth, militarism, and honor will come to you both. 
Good-bye my boy (shaking hands with Henry). 
Good-bye Frank ; God bless you both and bring you 
back to us. Good-bye. Leaves the stage showing 
deep emotion.) Piano or organ plays and all march 
and sing, "Boom ! Slam! Bang!" Repeat softly for 
encore. Final curtain. 



NOTE.—Suggest that when the song, ''Sand," is 
sung, after first verse and chorus is sung, John should 
recite the following verse : 

The Hohenzollerns think they are rulers from above, 
But disregard the Golden Rule, the one we all should 

love, 
So we have got to make them common for awhile. 
And work along with common folks, and see if they 

can smile. 
And after the second, the following one : 
We haven't any grudge against the German rank and 

file, 
Except a stickin' to and keepin* up such a rotten pile 
As this here Hohenzollern fad, and all it means to 

them. 
Instead of putting skids under 'em, and makin' 'em 

common men. 

THIS PLAY, all Songs used, and booklet, ''Alf," 
copyrighted by the author, Geo. B. Whitney ; but the 
free use of which he grants to all patriotic or charit- 
able movements if desired. All music with piano ac- 
companiment can be obtained by addressing Geo. B. 
Whitney, Saginaw, Mijch. 



JUST TURN YOUR CLOCKS AHEAD TODAY 

IF production is inadequate, in workshop, mine or 
farm, 
To increase it is an easy matter now ; 
We only have to turn our clocks ahead — how do 
you like the yarn? 
And production is increased by tools and plow. 

Chorus. 

So turn your clocks ahead today, don't wait for Un- 
cle Sam ; 
The old gentleman sometimes, you know, is slow ; 
We must each one "do our bit," so do not idly sit. 
But turn your clicks ahead, and then you'll see 
things go. 

If you want to win a battle, boys, just turn your 
clocks ahead; 
The Germans then are surely going to run ; 
For you'll catch them in their socks asleep, and just 
getting out of bed. 
They'll surrender, yes, surrender (?), — won't 
this be great fun? — Chorus. 

These songs are in the engraver's hands, and will 
soon be on sale at 25c each, postage prepaid. The 
booklet, '*Alf.," at 50c per copy, postage prepaid. 
Music can be obtained at leading mus ic houses, or by 
addressing Geo. B. Whitney, M!-UpiJ01'LUnily i^Ub: 
Ca., Saginaw, Mich. 



WE ARE THINKING, WHILE WE LISTEN 

WE ARE thinking, while we listen, in our home- 
land, and abroad. 
Of your training for the struggle coming on ; 
And our feeling, while we're kneeling, and petition 
to our God; 
Is, your struggle, for the right, will soon be won. 



Chorus. 

We are thinking, while we listen, and the teardrops 

sometimes glisten; 
But we'll bravely brush these signals from our 

eyes; 
For we're learning, while we're waiting, that our love 

is not abating, 

But affection is increasing while time flies. 

War is cruel, harsh and fearful, and we'll fight until 
it goes; 
As a service to the future, ages on ; 
So in kindness, for the blindness, and the error of our 
foes. 
We must fight until the victory is won. — Chorus. 



STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA 

STRIKE ! Sons of Columbia ; strike autocracy hard, 
Until to democracy, submission is given ; 
To the cruel world's war-lords, give them your re- 
gards. 
With the might of your arms, and the help of your 
leaven. 

Chorus. 

Strike ! Sons of Columbia, strike ! But thy flag never, 
With all of your resources, ev'ry one, ev'ry hour. 

Show the foe you are patriots, all and forever, 

Strike hard and strike deep, show the world now 
thy power. 

Sons of Columbia, your work must be finished. 
For approval of heaven, and for justice to men ; 

So undaunted you go, your strength undiminished. 
To give the world freedom, strike again and again. 

Chorus. 



WE ARE SONS OF OLD COLUMBIA 

WE ARE sons of old Columbia, and we're on the 
double-quick, 
To help give all nations freedom, and make the Kai- 
ser sick 
Of his cruelties, his wantonness, his blasphemy of 

God, 
And we'll accomplish the above, or lie beneath the 
sod. 

Chorus. 

For what use would life be to us, without our liber- 
ties? 

The keeping of all promises? The freedom of the 
seas? 

We might better die in battle, or face a firing squad, 

Than pay tribute to a tyrant that blasphemes the 
name of God. 

So here from old Columbia we come, bringing with 
each our mite, 

We are coming, friends, to help you — help you to 
win the fight. 

The fight waged for world freedom, and for perpet- 
ual peace. 

And until the final victory's ours, our efforts ne'er 
will cease.— Chorus. 

(These two Songs and the Book are fully protected 
by Copyright.) 



BOOM! SLAM! BANG! 

WE'RE training here in this old camp, training 
ev'ry day, 
Learning the things we did not v/ish, — to mingle in 

a fray 
As righteous as e'er was fought, fought by any one. 
And now we'll soon be ready, ready to take the Hun. 

Chorus. 
Boom! Slam! Bang! we'll soon go o'er to France, 
We're going to teach the Germans, — teach them how 

to dance 
A lesson of our liking, and take the Kaiser's crown. 
We're training for this business, in this old northern 
town. 

We're sailing now on this old ship, sailing o'er the 
sea, 

Sailing to where we each can help to give world lib- 
erty, 

The greatest cause e'er fought by man, fought to give 
world peace. 

And now we'll soon be over, to help to make war 
cease. 

Chorus. 

Boom! Slam! Bang! vv^e'll soon be o'er in France, 

We're going to teach the Germans, teach them how 
to dance, 

A lesson to our liking, and take them on the hyp, 

We're sailing for this business, on this old loyal ship. 



We*re marching now in sunny France, marching to 

the fray, 
Knowing each must do our part, the part of right 

today; 
And lifting up our eyes on high, know we will not 

run. 
But fight like fiends the Germans, we promise to take 

the Hun. 

Chorus. 

Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! we're over here in France, 
We have come to teach the Germans, teach them how 

to dance 
A lesson of our liking, and make their soldiers sick 
Of fighting for autocracy, — we'll give the lesson 

quick. 

We're working here upon the land — working every- 
where, 

Working to raise, and make the things the boys need 
over there. 

As noble work as e'er was done, done by loyal ones, 

'Twill help to gain the victory, vict'ry o'er the Huns. 

Chorus. 

Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! our boys are o'er in France, 
And working to supply them, we have got to dance 
A lesson of economy, industry, and care. 
To feed ourselves, our soldiers, and allies over there. 

NOTE.— The word ^'northern" in chorus to first 
verse can be changed to suit location. 

Words fully protected by copyright, 
sale at bookstores and news stands. 



Another Verse to the Song, America- 
Lord, come and help us now, 
Lest we to might may bow, 

Forever slaved ; 
Help us to purge our hearts 
From all unworthy parts, 
Help thwart world-rulers' arts. 
From them be saved. 

Another. 

Lord, freely aid us now, 
Never to wrong to bow. 

Or foes, though strong. 
To Thou, the only one. 
Our Lord and risen Son, 
We humbly to Thee come ; 

Make right all wrong. 

Written March 26th, 1918. 



The Bells of Freedom. 

In seventy-six, bells of freedom then were ringing 
Out to the world, from this old U. S. A. 

Our liberty they then surely were a-singing, 
All come and help us, make it true today. 

Chorus. 
Bells of liberty were ringing everywhere ; 
Guns they are booming now> to help it over there ; 
We are called again to make its purpose true ; 
And the meaning plain of the old Red, White and 

Blue. 
Time flittered on and weVe marched to good fruit- 
ing 
All 'long the lines, in this old U. S. A. 
Now we go to help stop all this war recruiting 

O'er all the world, let's make it true today. — Cho. 



GOD RULES THE WORLD 

Battle Hymn. 

God rules the world, has always ruled and still 
Rules by His strength, and so forever will; 
He in His Word hath told us He is love; 
Why should we doubt His promise from above? 

Chorus. 
God rules the world again, ring out the glad refrain. 
Right is our standard now, rejoice ye world again, 
Satan shall be overturned, might's power shall now 

be hurled. 
Why should we doubt, God rules the world- 

False are the claims made by monarchs claiming 

Thine 
Strength is for them, and not His love divine 
Given to all, in measure full and free, 
If by their might, to them we'd bow the knee. — Cho. 

So in His strength we are girded for the fray, 
With fearless hearts, the foe to meet today. 
Forward we go, the issue clear and plain. 
Might it must go, and right must rule again. — Cho. 



SONG. 
I SOMETIMES DID WHISTLE 

I lived upon a farm 'way down in Tennessee, 

And then from early morning till the setting of the 
sun 

I surely then was happy as a farmer boy can be ; 
I also worked a little, but I had a lot of fun, 

A whistling and singing and standing on my head, 

And I will keep it up until they say I'm dead. 

Chorus. 
I sometimes did whistle when I stepped on a thistle, 
When living on the farm 'way down in Tennessee ; 
I had lots of muscle, therefore I had to hustle, 
I whistled quite a lot, but was busy as a bee. 
Repeat chorus whistling. 

But now Tm in the army, a soldier good and true, 

I still pucker up my lips whenever Tve a chance. 
Ringing out the merry tunes to the old Red, White 
and Blue, 
And boggling up the Germans' plans, while over 
here in France. 
In a clean fair fighting moods we'll take the Kaiser's 

head. 
And we'll not cease our efforts until they say he's 
dead. 

Chorus. 

I sometimes do whistle at the shriek of a missile. 

As it screams above us, or bursts up in the air ; 
I am one of Sammy's men, over here in France then. 
Whistling while I may, since I've been "over 
there." 

Repeat again whistling. 



SONG. 
SOMEWHERE AND SOMETIME 

Our boys have some gone over, away across the sea, 

To help the foe to conquer, and make all nations free ; 

Their lifeblood now is mingling with foreign com- 
rades fair, 

Sometimes our hearts are grieving, thinking of all 
o'er there. 

Chorus. 

Somewhere the boys are bleeding to bring world- 
freedom near; 

Sometimes our hearts are pleading with He who 
holds life dear; 

Sometime He'll give the blessing, and all will live in 
peace. 

With banners all united we'll surely make war cease. 

Let each one pay our tribute to boys in khaki plain. 
All their loyal hearts salute, ring out your cheers 

again ; 
Remembering that their love for freedom and the 

right 
Is all worth while to die for, for this we all will fight. 

Chorus. 



SONG. 
BOOM! SLAM! BANG! 

Some nations of the world went crazy mad, they did, 

And started all this cruel, cruel strife called war; 

Love and peace, and the thing called righteousness 

were hid- 

World conquest, — the power of might— -was what 

'twas for. 

Chorus. 

Boom! Slam! Bang! the guns are smashing hard, 
Destruction is the cruel price of war; 

Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! for life it's no regard, 

They're smashing, and they're tearing over there. 

With crude and startling changes history has been 
made, 
Still the awful carnage does not cease or even lull, 
The lust for wealth and power, is why the game is 
played, 
By Satan surely started, and kept by he till full. — 
Chorus. 

And now we are called to help to make strife cease, 
Let us each one do our duty fully while we may; 

Our sacrifice is great, giving lives for making peace, 
Our boys have some gone over, and others on the 
way. — Chorus. 



SONG. 
I VAS GOT DER LEGS 

I vas a goot American man, I koom from Germany, 
Und I vas show der Yankees how to do, 
Dis gountry short on kultur vas, but liddle do I see. 
So I vill now vith all my might, to dem der right show 
drue. 

Chorus. 

Druly, I vas shortly to dis gountry come avay. 
Bud I vas shorely deach them both how to vork and 
blay, . 

Der Yanks vas short on kultur, I vill put dem on deir 

Und if too hot id gets for me, vy I vas got der legs. 

Sure id vas all rigdt — Democracy, ven Yanks der 
Inglish fight, 

Und make der rascals run schoost vare der can. 

Bud now a dif'rent madder kooms, our kulture now 
vas might, . 

Der kultur of der strong right arm, vich is der Kai- 
ser's blan. — Chorus. 

I escape dis here internment blan, but in der draft do 

koom. 
So quickly I der khaki soon must vare ; 
I vill show der Yanks a drick or dwo, ven I get near 

my home, ,, 

Der action of a German's legs, ven I get "ofer there. 

— Chorus. 



s^ 



^-s 



LIBERTY LOAN SONG 

Tune: *'Speed Away." 

Speed away, speed away on your mission tonight, 
To the lands that are bleeding and struggling for 

right; 
Help the men that are lighting, help dear ones at 

home. 
Let this now encourage, in their efforts to come ; 
Go quickly in channels to do work not to play, 
Speed away, speed away, speed away. 

Speed away, speed away with your torchlight of 

hope. 
To the nations and men who have striven to cope 
With that dragon of might which we all know by 

"war," 
But which shall be shattered and driven afar 
By your help that is coming, and coming today, 
Speed away, speed away, speed away. 

Speed away, speed away, there is much to be done 
For the people of earth and the Crucified One ; 
'Tis a great thing to do, help the nations of earth 
Throw off each their shackles and give each a re- 
birth, 
Giving freedom and peace ; do your work while you 

may, 
Speed away, speed away, speed away. 

Written by Geo. B. Whitney, April 12, 1918. 
Permission given to use and copy. Geo. B. Whitney. 



